Category: Stories, jokes, quotes

An acquaintance Nickname = BM Tak Mo Yu, many of us were tricked into parting $ 50 to $ 100 for petrol pumped into his BMW. He is How Liang, miser to man but generous towards attractive women; flirtatious; Tua Pian, (many silly women fall for his scheme) Ex golfer – no longer play but pretend to have golf appointment here and there especially where there are women around. A knows all with corrupted mind and uncultured lingo, busy body who rumors. Scolding female as F*cking bitch. He had his day in 2006 July. He paid a heavy price referring Fatkor as pig. This incident happened as detail follow:

 2006 July 21 morning around 11.00 am, a phone call from a Singapore buddy

 Hello Tony, this is Francis, I am in Macau with 2 friends you know, BMW asked me to call to lodge with you for few days in Zuhai. We are at immigration crossing, how do we get to your place?

 What Francis? BMW always give problems. I am leaving for Guangzhou after lunch, you can lunch with me? Want to have fun in Dongguan over the weekend?

 OK,OK. BMW said your office is on the 20^th floor Holiday Inn. We wait at the coffee house  OK?

 During lunch, my Shanghai colleague telephone- ‘Bro Ang, My boss and your boss last minute decide to fly in to Guangzhou ahead of Mondays conference, arriving 8.00 pm today. He asked me to get you to go Guangzhou today, Can I check you in the same hotel? He asked me too, but I am going with 4 friends and will stay at Landmark, don’t let them know I am in Guangzhou prior Monday’s Meeting. Can you pick us up at the airport at 3.00 pm?

 ‘Hi 38, I cover you but need a favor from you. Tell boss you cannot get me as I am on half day leave. I have my 3 Singapore Friends with me. I will get Fatkor to fetch your people. I cannot get to airport at 3.00 pm. Reserve rooms for me at landmark.

 After 2 hours drive, we arrived at landmark Hotel at 5.00pm. 38 had collected our room keys and waited at the coffee house. BMW stared at 38 like the “chu Pak Jie”.

She left in a hurry after handling 5 rooms’ key, telling us to signify personal particulars at the reception and informed us to 7.30pm dinner at the hotel’s restaurant where reservation was also arranged.  We thought the girls would be late and arrived at the dinner 10 minutes later to find the ladies were seated leaving a seat in between each. This is the Chinese style unlike in Singapore where all girls will sit close to each other. Four of them appeared to be in uniform dresses – bare back with a heart shaped opening front. One with Landmark hotel’s Jacket exposing nothing. When introduced, the ladies stood up to shake hands and we were shocked to eye the 36-24-36 postures. BMW quickly chop himself in between the two most sexy ladies. I was asked by 38 to sit in between the lady in Jacket and herself. BMW went to deposit payment for the dinner in order to “how lien” before dinner end. The two ladies were impressed and toasted with him. He pretended to be drunk ,took advantage by moving his flirtatious hands ,one right and the other left until the ladies took excuse to leave. 38 told me the lady in Jacket had arranged complimentary stay for me only. I later found out the lady in Jacket’s father is the major shareholder of Landmark Hotel. The dinner was a welcome dinner for her friends but our BMW …….

Fatkor was my company’s stockist and offer entertainment at KTV, I requested Fatkor not to bring any hostess back as we have to breakfast with the ladies. BMW was furious and curious that the hostesses were told not to accept his booking outside the KTV. That night BMW came knocking at my room with his pillow and blanket saying something wrong with his room and wanted to park with me but next moment he left.

BMW was late at breakfast. On seeing Francis and his friend were joking and laughing with the two ladies he offended at last dinner, he gave the “Tak boleh tahanlook.”

Fatkor asked BMW why he left his room without informing him. BMW replied that Fatkor slept worse than a Pig that draw laughter. He then questioned his 2 friends why they did not answer his door knocking and commented they must be having good time with the two ladies. His friends glared. He went on to ask the ladies how well his friends performed and received two slaps, one each from the ladies. He fell with his buck on the chair. The angry women left for an arranged outing without us. We were very annoyed and decided to teach BWM a lesson by leaving him in a woods nearby.

As Fatkor was driving, he received a call from his cousin to visit his Pig farms to see the weeks old piglets. At the Pig farm, BMW pointed to a Mother Pig milking the piglets and told Fatkor is better to sleep with the piglets as the mother pig was silent. This remarks made Fatkor boiled but control. He later asked me any objection if he is to fix BMW and I did not object. Farmhands have early dinner at 5.00 pm. During the meal, Fatkor toasted to MBW wishing him best luck to sleep with piglets. BMW knocked off after only one drink. The farmhands were asked not to spoil BMW’s suit, so they striped him. A used blanket cover BMW and left him to sleep with 3 black and 7 white piglets. We left for the farm’s nearest township Shijie for activities. While we were enjoying ourselves, a call required us to see BMW in hospital. A staff there jokingly told us the piglets mistook BMW’s discharge as milk and suck on it.

To share a story I read yesterday

A young guy left his home, country and went working in a foreign country. He got a job and a girlfriend there. He never talk to his girlfriend about his home, even she asked him many time.

After 4 years, something happened that the guy has to come home to handle. He came with his girlfriend. He told his girlfriend there is only his mother in his home and refused to talk anything more about his mother. This gave his girlfriend an opinion that his mother is not a nice, easy get along lady.

To his girlfriend’s surprise, when his mother first opened the door to welcome them, she found that his mother was a very nice lady – kind, sweet and soft talking ……, she is a devout Buddhist, but his boyfriend refused to do any talk with his mother. The girlfriend don’t know why, because she knows her boyfriend is not such kind of person. She asked her boyfriend why, but he refused to disclose.

Due to her curiosity, she asked the mother what had happen to get them into such a situation. The mother told her the following story:

“I has a daughter. The relation between the brother and sister is very good, they love each other very much. 4 years ago, a tragedy happened, my daughter was raped and killed by the neighborhood boy (raper). The boy was caught and was sentenced to death. But I pleaded the court to change the death sentence to jail term. My son cannot forgive me for what I did, left home and not contact me any more”

The girlfriend asked the reason why she do the pleading, the mother said: “When the death sentence is announced, I noticed the deep sorrow in the raper mother’s eyes. I think should give the raper’s mother a chance. so I do the pleading, but my son never give me a chance to explain to him”.

The girlfriend told her boyfriend the reason of his mother, but her boyfriend still could not forgive her mother’s doing

At last, the guy finished the thing he has to handle and intended to leave. His girlfriend tried her last effort to convince him at least to talk to his mother once. The guy promised.

To start the talk, the guy said to his mother: “If you can give me a satisfy answer for my question, may be I will forgive you. In these 4 years, I always think of the raper, I feel the pain in my heart, then you will also appear to my mind, and I cannot stop to hate what you have done. Can you tell me what is your feelings when you think of the raper these years”?

The mother silenced for a while and gave the following answer:
“Sorry son, I cannot give you an answer, because I never think of the raper after the court. What I always think of are the time when your sister is around. The time we live happy together. This will give me warm in my heart. So sorry son, I don’t have the answer you want”

The ending of the story …..it is not important, you can set your own ending for it

I don’t think this is a good story, as what the mother do is far from the human nature (not much people in this world can forgive such kind of thing). What his son done is more prone to human.

Why I share this story, because I have experience similar to it (just a little bit, not so extreme). In a few years back, many people talk about positive think and say they always do positive thinking. But I think positive thinking (also forgiveness) is not a human nature, especially when something not good, serious. Usually the thinking is negative and hate.

I am not a positive thinking guy, actually I am quite negative, but I seldom hate (not because of forgiveness, but because of laziness). As I am lazy, there is not much thing can bothering me.

There is one thing that bothering me for nearly 30 years, and when my thinking of this thing change from negative to positive, I got the peace of mine.

The thing that bothering me is my wife’s jealous, I never fooling around since she is my girlfriend (not due to loyalty but due to laziness, why be so trouble to get two or more girlfriend). I think my wife’s jealous is unreasonable and make me annoyed. This happen even when she passed away, whenever I think of her, I will think of her jealous.

But after I join SHC and know more friends (once upon a time, I tried to be friendly but failed). A new thinking come to my mind. I guess her jealous is due to I have not paid enough attention to her.

If this is mentioned in an Elvis Presley’s song, it should be: “May be I didn’t treat her, quite as good as I should have,
May be I didn’t love her, quite as often as I could have.
May be I didn’t hold her, all those lonely, lonely time.
And I guess I never tell her, I so happy that she’s mind.”

so she used jealous to attract my attention. Even this is not the case, Her jealous should be because she care about me very much, why should I bother?? After I change my thinking, whenever I think about her, I feel warm.

Think positive can make people happy. If you can, try it, don’t just talk it.

This post will be full of nonsense, sorry

Last week, when I attended a free musical performance in the Esplanade, all the performers are very young, but they said they are “old at heart”. They mean they like the old songs

I always hear someone say “I am young at heart”. I don’t know what they want to expect. How this phrase is used? Can I tell the others “I am young at heart”? This “old at heart” triggered me to google the meaning of “young at heart”

From Google, I found that “Young at Heart” is a movie of 1954 (Frank Sinatra, Doris Day, Gig Young), also there are a lot of definitions for “Young at Heart”. After I read some of them, I still cannot get an answer to my question.

Then I try to define it myself, first I tried to translate it from English to Chinese. I tried a few, and finially I use “???”

I also noticed that for the people they are younger than 45, they seldom say they are “Young at Heart”. But once someone pass 45, they start to say “I am young at heart”. The older they are, the more they said.

So I added two more words in front – “?????”

From there I tried to figured out what will happen when someone is “?????”

My first thought is the mind. When people are young, their mind will be naive, and become more and more mature when they grow older and older, so can the “Young at Heart” means “????, ????” But I drop this thought immediately, as in this IT era, This is not likely the case.

Then I realize the biggest different for young and old are their strength. Generally speaking, the young get more strength than the old. So the “Young at heart” should means their heart is young, but not their strength. To describe in Chinese, it should be “????”

At last, I got a definition I am satisfied and know how to use. Next time when someone ask me to do something, and I think I cannot, I will tell them -“I am young at herart” or more precisely “I am young at heart ONLY”

1. My wife still gets orgasms – unfortunately she gets them from shopping.. Ed Fischer
2. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week..
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing..
She goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays.. Henry Youngman
3. You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.. George Burns
4. It was a major operation – they removed my savings account, my car, my house….
5. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.. Fred Allen
6. Happiness is good health and bad memory.. Ingrid Bergman
7. Wrinkles are hereditary. You get them from your kids.. Erma Bombeck
8. Old people shouldn’t eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get.. Anonymous

When I visited outside last month, I encountered the following questions and answers:

Q and A 1

A lady asked me: “Do you think the ladies here
charming?”

I replied: “Of course. Here, the ladies who were in their 20s
like roses, those who were in their 30s like a love song and who were 40 become
perfect”

The lady asked again: “How about those after 40?”

I mulled over for a while and replied: "No comment. As no matter what their age are, all the ladies here never look over 40"

Q and A 2

A lady asked me: "Do you like the ladies here more, or like the ladies in Singapore more?"

I replied: "I like all the ladies who like me"

Q and A 3 

 One night, it was late, someone knock on my door. When I opened the door, I found a beautiful young lady standing outside.

When she saw me, she showed embarrassed and said: "Sorry, I should knock at the wrong door"

I said: "the door is right , but the time has belated for 40 years" 

Woke up from the sweet and lovely X’mas Eve last night, already 2:00pm. Wow, ‘Shiok’

When I came to Singapore, and heard this word, I wondered why our Singaporean always ‘Shock’. After a while, I understand it means something like ‘?’ in the HK Cantonese.

This reminded me two jokes about the language in Chinese and like to share here:

Joke 1: "??"

One year when I was young, me and a group of my Hong Kong friends visited Taiwan. When we strolling around, we found that we had lost our way. I saw a beautiful girl in front, then I approached her and asked: "????…".

Without me finished, the beautiful girl open her charming mouth in an ‘O’ form and uttered "?". I looked around and found nothing surrounded me. I turn to the girl and asked again: "????…". The girl looked impatient, but still uttered "?" again….. Why???!!!

After some explanation, I finally knew that she thought I said "????” instead of "????". Oop…. – end of joke 1

Joke 2: "??"

One X’mas Eve, me and 4 friends immigrated from HK went to a friend’s house for a re-union party. As we planned the party will last late and we will leave around 3:00 am, A friend was chosen to be the driver who sent the rest home, so he was not allowed to drink anything with alcohol. 

After the event and on our way home, we were stopped by a barricade in ECP. A person with uniform (the man) approached our car. After my friend opened the window, the man put his head near the car and said: "????".

My friend replied immediately: "Including me, only 5, where got nine? Are you drunk"

Ha ha, he thought that the man said "??" instead of "??" – end of joke 2

Hope this 2 jokes can create some smiles in the X’mas time and must apologize to the members not good in Chinese, may be they do not understand the jokes.

Do you have jokes about the languages (Chinese, dialect, Malaysia, etc) can share?

Merry X’mas and Happy New Year.  

Like to share 2 riddles to the members

The riddles

1. What machines like to hurt themselves most (???????????) (a type of machine)
2. What is the heavies noodle in the world (??????????) (a type of food)

Person eligible to guess – Members proficient in Chinese and English

Person restricted to guess

1. Karen Thio – you canot do riddle 1 as I have already told you the answer
2. Cat Yeo – you cannot do riddle 2 as it is created by us in the dinner, remember?
3. Joy – you can do both, but please don’t change them into fairy tales

Warning – there is a side-effect for these two riddles, many people like to scratch their head while guessing, and cause some degree (light or serious) of hair drop, I won’t take responsibility for this

Enjoy the riddles