Only share this good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Hi All,  

Sharing this colourful English humour from (Jennifer Wong),  admist all the financial dark cloud. 

To the Citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth  II

In
light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which
she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’
‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’  Likewise, you will learn to
spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,  and the
suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’  Generally,
you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels.  (look up ‘vocabulary’).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will
be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the
elimination of  ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be
independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. 
If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US 20 gallon.  Get used to
it.——————-8. You will learn to make real chips.  Those
things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager.  South African beer is
also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting
nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer.  They are
also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. 
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one’s ears removed  with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football.  There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer.  Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies). 

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK.  It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).—————15. Daily Tea Time begins
promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with
high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with
cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!  Cheers

22 thoughts on “Only share this good sense of humour (NOT humor)!”

  1. haha. good one. Ronald, better be careful that you dont go US soon. They may take personal issue with you on this & as intimed, that can be hazardous to your health!

  2. Hi Andrew,

    Thanks for your advice, yes,you never know. Anyway I have been to almost all the four corners of the land of dreams, spending almost 9 years there. Now it is pity to read,from the news in the papers, of decent folks having to take their lifes when the banks can go after them mercilessly over what they owed but they cant get a cent back when the banks go bust. All the principles of banking is no longer in placed and bailout seems to save the people who created the mess rather than the people who are in the mess for being good citizen who saves. How can it be, only in the West? Now if you have read a little bit of the history you will understand why there was a civil war.
    I think the author whoever it is has made a rather clear point about dignity, credibility and accountability.

    On the humour side, I think it is good to be a fund manager, you get all the big money and all the funds, no matter how good or bad you have done, there is always the bailout, to save your job. Cheers

  3. Ron

    Haha I really enjoyed this. Made my day!!

    Ref#10….I thought they have and the Brit is Pierce Brosnan in 007 ?

    Ref#13….I thought that has been solved and it was a guy called Oscar somebody??

    I shall print this and send to my American colleagues!!!

    I just can’t stop laughing….Thanks!!!

  4. Aiyoh Ron Wi.
    I laughed until almost had a tummy (sorry, stomach) ache.
    I can imagine what the Americans will do to you with their potato peeler and cheese grater. You will be ‘skinless’ Ron and earless too. Hahaha.

    Any Nancy around SHC? Hehehe.

    Tea time? You forgot to mention the little pinkie. It’s got to be lifted at just the right angle and the tea has to be sipped, not slurped. Courtesy of Mrs Pretentious Bucket (pronounced Bouquet)

  5. Hi Aiyoh Mary Chan not giving me any chance at all?

    You are laughing at the thought of me being skinned and grated or enjoying the satirical reforms for the good of the GIs?

    I think the spelling should have been ‘nannies’ or a bunch of Marys or Annes, the idea is the same lah.

    Oh (yea) there are many more that needs to be corrected in due time, also the way they used the fork and spoon and the way they chew tobacco, etc,and lastly only if the GIs know the real meaning of the four letter word. Cheers

  6. Hi Ivan,

    Last I heard of him, he was reading the book of Confucius and walking along the silk route, towards Bhutan seeking the Dalai Lama.
    So if you see him again, you probably not recognised him, he gave up smoking, swearing, gambling, etc not sure about woman though, and will be bald headed too and only saying good words like ‘On me tau foo’ or something like that.
    Oops sorry lah, this posting is for humour only lah.

    Hymm, Mary you can laugh again till everywhere starts to ache, as you know him, will skin and grate me before the GIs now. Better zzz and say I must have been sleep walking you be my alibi ok?? Cheers

  7. Haha, Ivan, never knew that more than gals missed me (or am I being presumptuous?)

    Ron-W was quite right, that I am on a journey. It was yuen that put us together, it will take a lot of yuen fen if we were to journey through it, together.

    My latest indulgence is with spiderman and spiders, trying to position the spider correctly, or put 3 spidermen on the same screen. My spirit is weak and interest, waning………..

  8. Tim Liu.
    Have you really become bald, given up smoking and swearing too? AND saying “on me tau foo”?? What kind of “tau foo” is that?? Poor Dalai L. You must have been sitting on him when you said, “On me tau foo”. No wonder he’s going for surgery. Hahaha.

    Aiyoh again Ron Wi.
    I laughed until almost split my sides lah. I think you must be hallucinating when you thought you heard about Tim becoming a monk.

  9. TimL #10
    This is especially for you since you needed some cooling down and inspiration…..please do bear with it and hear the complete tune/mantra:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38d2fDny91k

    Personally, when my spirit is weak, temperatures running high and the spiders just not listening/keeping still, this tune is smoothing and calming …. it’s only 10 minutes of your life but …. it gives back many more hours of goodness. Enjoy it while you can…….

  10. Andrew Thio.
    Now that I can put a face to the name, I can say, “Pleased to meet you.”
    I find the piece of relaxing music intended for Tim very relaxing indeed. Halfway through it, I was actually swaying to the haunting strains.
    I see many more on the site and will try them out one at a time.
    Thanks, although it was meant for Tim.

  11. Hi Maggie,Mary, Ivan, Patrick and all

    Maggie you laugh alot even during the game of badminton, who knows where else you laugh just as much. But if laughter is medicine for a healthy laugh, we should all be following you.

    Mary, hymm, seems I must be hallucinating, him agreeing for once that I may be right? Also you seemed to want to find what trills or bothers him just as much.

    Ivan, I think your suggestion on the mantra may help.
    Here are some more wise rules by segments, for everyone if it helps us all. I am beginning to find it truthful.

    1. Take it account great love and great achievements involve big risks.
    2. When you lose, dont lose the lesson
    3. Remember the 3 Rs , –
    – Respect for yourself,
    – respect for others, and
    – Responsibility for your actions

    to be continued, Cheers

  12. Mary, smoking ensures a luxuriant growth of hair enough to away some generously. So if you see smthg sitting on Ron-W’s head, be kind to him, dont pull, it comes off easily.

    Yes, I can swear that i still swear a lot, as often as school children do their morning pledges of allegiance.

    When the Dalai first saw me, he coyly asked “on me tau foo” and I put some tau foo on him. He blessed me and I went on to enjoy 10 years of good health.

    Ron-W heard of the blessings and thot to himself : if tim got 10 years of good health for an “on me tau foo” deed, an “on me D24 durian” shd earn him more, longevity perhaps?

    Poor Dalai, he almost got killed when Ron-W pileddurians after durians on his head over a week. He needed surgery.

    Ivan, thanks for sharing the “Oh Many Padded Humsups” nvm it was only a tame 5-X. I’d like it a bit more hard-core such as in my current iundulgence with spiders and spiderman…………….the ecstasy is simply heavenly.

  13. Hee Tim. Good to have you back.

    What kind of ‘scraps’ have you been into while I was away, I wonder. Too many comments to catch up on, so prefer to let them flow ‘under the bridge’.

    A little humour does one good and so does Ivan’s “Om ….” I think. It will chase the spiders away, hahaha.

  14. Ron Wie.
    I’m always interested in the happenings at SHC, not just in Tim or you for that matter.

    Wah, so ‘cheem’, the 3Rs. ;-) Ron Wi aka the ‘skinless’ preacher??? Hahaha.
    Anyway, humour is good for us. So, keep them coming.

  15. Mary
    nice to meet you 2.
    haha, cant take credit for what’s not mine. You have Ivan to thank for that.
    Now you have me intrigued. Tried to follow the link but seems that they have removed the video :(

  16. Oops,Andrew Thio. Wrong number. Yes it should have been Ivan I have to thank.

    Ivan. Thanks for the video, but has the link been removed? Why I wonder?

  17. Humour? Humor? Favourite? Favorite? When i moved to Florida in the late ’80s, needless to say that’s the bit of “culture” shock I got. Also, after all the school years (from converting Inches to Centimeters, wham – I had to switch back: is there such a word: de-metrication???).
    Really had a good laugh. To get a MUG of coffee/tea instead of the usual cup & saucer! Oh, there’s so much I could share here, but Ron W, this is really, really fun reading! Keep them coming. Cheers.
    Florence

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