Jokes – Good New Year Resolutions

Have you made your 2011 resolutions? Wish you have them fulfilled in the coming year, otherwise hope
at least some of them turn out to be light-hearted.

1. Spending more time with family:
Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother’s mother-in-law.
"Now I can’t make up my mind whether he’s my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother, "or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother,
or whether my child is my daughter or my niece." — Oscar Reagan

2. Getting in shape:
A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner’s euphoria" was.

"Runner’s euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays while I am still dozing in my bed" — Neil P. Budge

3. Starting that diet:
My friend Fresna Ess announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

"Good!" I exclaimed. "I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out.
When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first."

"Great!" she replied. "I’ll ride with you." — Katina Fisher

4. Quit smoking:
My buddy asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I thought you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking".
The man says, " I am in the process of quitting". Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.

What’s phase one?

I’ve quit buying.  – Jake Ess

5. Eating healthier:
The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’ " she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it."

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?" 
— David Martino

6. Reducing your debt:
Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife Susanne had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum.
The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “Since Susanne wants a grand patio,
I just threw some of her jewelries in there.”
— R. Horn

7. Learning new things:
Being the talkative type, I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter.
Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, "For the show, what do you think I should do, sing, play the harmonica or put on a comedy act?"

Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, "Why not be quiet and try the mime?" — Kimmie Helk

8. Better teeth care:
Just because one owns a business doesn’t mean it has to be all business.
This sign in a dentist’s office proves that point:
"Be True to Your Teeth, or They Will Be False to You." — James Wertz

9. Becoming more organized:
My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.
Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed:
"I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the above." — Mary I. Costain

10 Drinking less
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called ‘Seven Young Blondes’?" I asked. He admitted he’d never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he’d be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what’s in that drink?"

He looked at me like I was crazy. "It’s wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully,
"Sauvignon blanc." — Christie Eckels

Let’s celebrate. It’s after all A BRAND NEW 2011 in 2 days time.
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Acknowledgement :- Most of the above quotes taken from Reader’s Digest, with slight mod.