It’s been a long time since I last raised the issue of dating for Seniors. Recently I had a chat with a few members, and the same topic arose. I would like to revive the issue for discussion; give some serious considerations to the issue and perhaps plan for a dating event for Seniors.
Among club members, some of us are single; others are divorced; some are separated while others are going through the divorce process. For some, the spouse has left the world. There are reasons why some of us are single or single again. Life can be lonely, as we walk the path thrugh our SilverHair years. There is so much to live for; for our siblings, our friends, and for the freedom to see the world. We have also SilverHairsClub members; many of whom have become close friends.
But, in our private life, we still want to have a close partner; someone whom we can chat from morning till night, hold hands as we stroll around the parks, hug one another when there is the feeling of sadness and pain. To have a partner to live together as we walk towards the end of the rainbow. For those who have a spouse or a partner, you will know what I mean.
For some of us, being single is a choice. For some, having a life partner can make a difference to our everyday life. No one can predict the outcome of having a partner; neither can we have a guarantee of a more meaningful life.
Many of our friends are singles or singles again. And we know they would like to find someone who can share the rest of their lives together. As we have read in the newspapers, the country places a lot of attention to young adults. But, Seniors deserve attention too. In this Post, I hope we can help our fellow members, friends and other Seniors who are singles to find someone who can be their life partner. Let’s do something.
If you share the same concerns, I would like to ask you to join me in a discussion group, to discuss what we can do; and perhaps organise an event, specially for our single or singles again Seniors. We keep the options and ideas open. Feel free to discuss with ideas and thoughts. Keep the warm water flowing, so as to encourage participation among singles and non-singles.
If you would like to join in the “planning committee”, please email terences@SilverHairsClub.com. We will likely have regular discussions over Whatsapp, followed by a meeting sometime end March.
This is a sensitive topic for some, so your encouragement would be great.
Terence Seah
I am planning to initiate an planning committee to discuss what we can do for our single Seniors. Please email to terences@SilverHairsClub.com. All discussions will be made within the planning committee only. However, some highlights will be placed on this post, for members information.
I look forward to your support.
Terence Seah
Terence,
Very thoughtful of you and some members giving concern for the senior singles in th Club. Just like wat you suggested for the dating service before, it never got off the ground.
Having more activities within the Club is good enough. Singles and couples can meet together without feeling threaten or being on the defensive. My take is that it hard to get single seniors to come forward for such a meeting.
As long as the Club provide more events and gatherings singles will take the opportunity to meet and develop lasting friendship. It is already happening to some folks here in the Club.
Half a man, Dan.
“They said a man is not COMPLETE until he is married, and when he does so, he is FINISHED” -UNKNOWN
“When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED” – Samsunder Balgobin.
Juz some light-hearted sayings to this sensitive topic.
Hi Dan #2, James #3,
Thank you for your feedback. From previous work on planning singles events, I see that participants like to participate only in events where the parties are all singles, divorced, or singles again. Therefore, one of our concerns was whether the participants are single.
Once of the guidelines provided by a number of agencies is the marriage certificate or to check with ROM. This way, organisers can check if a participant is married. Even if a divorce is pending, the person would still be considered married, under the law. It also cost some money to do such verifications with ROM. Some Singaporeans are also registered overseas, and may not have their marriage status, registered in Singapore.
Look forward to your thoughts.
Terence Seah
Terence,
I look at this from a different angle. There are many singles again or those who had chosen (by default or otherwise)who may want some form of companionship.In many cases, these are people who have fulfilled their obligations, taking cae of sickly parents, sibling or have been done with children’s education.
They need not be looking for life companionship. Instead, they look at like minded firends who can be around to share hobbies, time together and hopefully emotional support so that their lives can be enlivened again.
By notating the “Dating”, it puts unnecessary pressure and may just deter anyone one from joining.
Love blossoms naturally :-). If at the end of the day, it help to create a more meaningful life for a couple, then let it develop naturally. No need for ROM check on anyone. These are not 16years old we are talking about– more like 61 years old!
James
Hi James #5,
I agree with you that it is best to let relationships blossom at whatever the age. It has proven to work.
But this Post is specific, and that is to organise an event for Seniors who have expressed interest to be connected. I think this is meaningful, and this is why I am hoping to identify a committee which can look into the planning of such an event. The event has obviously to be for singles or singles again.
A few members have offered to be in the planning team; so we can discuss the topic and see how we can go about doing the event. I am receptive to an alternate word for a “Dating event”.
Terence Seah
Hi Terence #6
Congratulations for setting up an SDU within the SHC group.
S – Single
D – Dashing
U – Unique
‘Autumn/Winter’ companionship is something very close to my heart.
Wishing you good luck and success….
Hi Gabriella #7,
This setup will depend on the committee. The group will discuss what format we will take and how we shall proceed. let the committee work on it first.
It’s nice that the issue is close to your heart. BTW, what happens when it comes to spring and summer?
Terence Seah
Hi Terence
I think you’re a rather romantic person and your view on romance indicated above is like a fairy-tale romance. How beautiful if it can remain like this forever and ever. Ha2..
However, relationships between couples may not be a bed of roses ~ sori for being a wet blanket? We have to be realistic.
I read a beautiful book “The Love Dare” #1 NY Times best seller. It’s an excellent book for anyone starting a relationship, contemplating separation or divorce etc. The author has said that the only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional. Love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.This kind of unconditional love is “Agape” love. It differs from the other types of love:
Phileo (friendship)
Eros (sexual love)
Both friendship and sex have an important place in marriage or a relatinship, and are definitely part of the house a couple build together as husband and wife. But if a marriage totally depends on having common interests or enjoying a healthy sex life, then the foundation of the relationship is unstable.
Phileo and eros can fluctuate based upon feelings. Agape love, however, is selfless and unconditional. So unless this kind of love forms the foundation of a marriage, the wear and tear of time will destroy it. Agape love is “in sickness and health” love,”for richer or poorer” love, for “better or worse” love. This is ‘TRUE LOVE’. More easily said than done ~ especially when the ‘euphoric’ stage, which lasts for approx 2 – 3 years wears off. Ha2
May I also add:
“You don’t know a person until you live with him or her” ~ (True or False)?
Nevertheless, it is still better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all ~ It is an experience not to be missed if Cupid shoots an arrow in your direction.
Happy loving and good luck!
Cheersssssss
?You don?t know a person until you live with him or her? ~ (True or False)?
To me, it can be true and can be false, depended on what is your meaning of “know a person”
It can be very easy to know a person on how he/she act, no need to live with him or her.
It is impossible to know a person on how he/she think even you live with he/him for 10 years, 20 years, or even lifelong.
For example, take Terrence as an example, 99.8% of SHC members think he is a good man, if not a perfect man. Do you know what he think, I think not even 0.2% SHC members know if not none. Sorry, Terence, just as an example.
But why should we care about what a person “think” (sometimes, a person also don’t know what is he really thinking)? To me, what a person act is more important.
For example, If a person hate you for his/her whole life, but due to some reasons, he/she treat you very good for all the time, anything wrong?
So, just enjoy the time with your partner while you can, and don’t care about what is his/her thought. Tomorrow is an uncertainty or may never come.
Andrew Yeung has said some wise words. Remember the goal post can shift through the passage of time. That’s why in the marriage vow there is the phrase ” through thick and thin” or something with the same meaning.
hewlee
Thank you Andrew for your example.
In this Post on an Event for Single Seniors, I know that some of us would like to help our Single Seniors find a partner. I think we all recognise what it is like to have a partner during our SilverHairs years.
But, it is not easy to organise one. First, the reality is participants would like their interests to be kept confidential. This is a long process, due to the amount of work required. If we can be open about our interest, it opens up a whole new world. Secondly, and unfortunately, many of us are pretty critical and tends to pour cold water over new relationships. If you read the many comments on this topic, you will slowly learn to see and understand that many SilverHairs tend to offer negative suggestions. You may have noticed the negative impact this has on other members.
Andrew, in many ways, I like what you have written. It can take years before you know somebody. The ability to share time together, especially during our SilverHairs years is something we can cherish.
I hope members are more thoughtful and be more encouraging with some of our single friends in the Club. Let’s help the situation. And, on this note, if you can be part of the planning committee, please email me directly at terences@SilverHairsClub.com.
Terence Seah
Hi Terence #12
Hahaha…..
As a general guideline, enter a relationship with both eyes open, then slowly close one eye and eventually, both eyes altogether. Then bliss prevails ~ :-) :-) :-)
Cheerio…..
Haha, Gabriella, closing one eye later is not enough. Remember the three or four monkeys (2 versions available) – one must not only close one eye later but also must get some ear plugs to block the outside noise from giving us the misunderstanding.
hewlee
Many years ago i was fortunate to obtain an extract from the deciphered hexagrams of the i-ching. Not the commonly published one that enables forecast of events through the use of the date, time and five elements. What i obtain was the guiding principles which help me understand the universal laws which we cannot escape. The guidiance on Passion and Marriage is as follows:
PASSION (LOVE)
1. Great limtations are imposed upon love. Love will be limited by different environments, families, habits, society, religion and politics. True love will overcome these odds slowly. When these limitations are overcome too quickly or forcefully, the relationship will not last. Similarities can make a relationshipn last longer.
2. Love is different from lust. Real love is silent. Real love causes a person to sacrifice himself for his beloved. Lust is active. Lust causes a person to seduce someone else. One can distinguish love from lust by carefully watching another person’s movements.
3. True love is expressed when both partners think in the same way and feel in the same way. True love causes one partner to sadden when the other partner is sad.
4. One should not decorate oneself with symbols of wealth, position, or power. True love is not influence by these things. Loving the true person will bring happiness.
5. The highest form of love is love for humanity.
6. The enemy of love is selfishness. One will never love another when one is selfish. People who are incapable of love are the most unhappy people in the world.
MARRIAGE
1. The completion of one’s marriage vows is dependent upon and governed by fate. Marriage is an unpredictable as warfare.
2. Two people entering into a marriage should realize that helping and balancing each other can be a form of torture and that they may argue constantly.
3. Marriage should not be forced. It should not be used for business purposes and it should not be used as a payment for a favor. A marriage that is forced is like a time bomb.
4. A person should not rush into a marriage. As much time as possible should be taken to find a good spouse. One cannot find a good mate when one is in a hurry. Never having married is not as bad as regretting a bad marriage. Mant people are hurt when a marriage does not work.
5. Marriage must be a pure and unconditional act. When a person enters into a conditional marriage, he or she is fooling himself or herself. The losses will outnumber the gains.
6. A marriage is extremely difficult to maintain. Like the eye, it cannot tolerate one specks of dirt. A conditional marriage always ends unhappily. Any problem that may arise during marriage must be resolved by the couple. Intermediation by a third party, including counselors cannot replace this and will make problems worse. The marriage is the foundation of the family. The family is the foundation of the society. The society is the foundation of the country. And the country is the foundation of the world. Very few people are able to make something as vital as a marriage successful. They never follow the five foregoing principles.
——————-
It was after questioning myself “What if i will become single agian. Will i seek a relationship, companionship or remarry?” that i decided to share with fellow shcians on this subject.
Stay Healthy! Be Happy! :)
Hi Friends,
My take is Cultural atiitude of “Paiseh” hampers the second wedded bliss for the majority race here. Some of their adult children too become “obstacles” with the attitude “Dad/Mum why Boh-kuay-ki-gia-kuay”.
Owing to religion the minority race refrain from co-habiting “unofficially” and probably up to a third of them being a mixture of widows, widowers or divorcees do undergo albeit a “quiet Bersanding” for the second time and perhaps less than ten percent tying the knot for the third time as did a former Malaysia Cup football kaki with similar age like me 65yrs old now, whose Bersanding with a Malaysian widow some twenty years younger than him through relatives introduction, in mid 2011 at Rawang, two hours north of KL, saw my absence as the date coincided with my outbound visit to my Indonesian family.
Personally, I do encourage senior Singles to find a second romance because through my own experience it really “lift up” one’s overall well-being, but of course not to the extent of raising up a young family like me with two daughters now approaching eleven and eight with the latter’s “lapses of intelligence” substantiating the proof that “old sperm” is quite infertile.
Regards
Abel Tan
Hi Abel,
Thank you for your inspiring viewpoint on romance. You have helped to open up the topic of “A Dating event for Senior Singles”.
I wont dare to go into a second romance, with two at the same time. but I truly appreciate what you mean by “it really “lift up” one’s overall well being”.
I too had been divorced. I encourage more members to speak up for singles; and to encourage them to find a new life.
Terence Seah
Some time ago, no one dares put his or her face or name in the newspapers or media as a Aids or HIV positive person. But more & more people are doing so to help people recognize the needs & sufferings of HIV positive people. I have read many of the above comments and have decided to post after much consideration. I had been divorced more than 10 years. I had gone through a few unsuccessful relationships and is actively or desperately(to some people)looking at love, marriage (one or both). It is really not sufficient to have activities which include both singles or couples because I find it difficult to find out whether a party is attached (both legally or illegally) even if I am attracted to that party. I also would not like to be barking at the wring tree. Yes,I know, not many men or ladies are thick skinned enough to admit that they are looking for love or marriage. So let me be the one and first thickest skin person here to admit that I am desperately looking for LOVE and possibly marriage and hope that others will come forward. Terence, here I am, your sample or sacrificial lamb.
Terence,
For a start, why not we garner those who want to participate in such gatherings ki chiu (put up hand). They could send a email to you (quietly)so that you have a feel of the interest. They could also indicate what they are looking for in this gathering, which would make organzing easier.
It is easy to kickstart, whatwwillsustain the interest will be the participation of all involved. They can take turns to organize activities.
Hi Vincent #17,
I admire your effort and honestly in being open. Why should we be subject to keep our thoughts and needs quietly? Yes, what you have done will encourage other singles or singles-again to speak up. It is afterall our happiness and how we want to spend our life.
The planning committee has been discussing in the last 48 hours; and we arrive at the same conclusion. Our activities will be open. However, like what JamesK has said, all participants get to enjoy the activities of the singles or singles again group.
I like to thank the planning committee; and we have some good ideas. If you like to join the planning committee, please email me directly.
So far, we have come up with 10 suggestions; and also how to bring our fellow singles and singles again into the forefront. If the government places topend focus on young adults, why not for SilverHairs singles?
Thanks James. I agree with you on the direction.
Terence Seah
Vincent,
Hooray for you!
It’s very brave of you to admit that you are looking for love.
There is nothing wrong or as you put it, “thick skinned” about looking for love.
Everybody wants to be loved and to love.
It’s a subject that many avoid talking about for fear of ridicule, embarrassment or, like Abel said, “paiseh” or what not. And yes, Abel, you are right. It’s a cultural thing. It’s about time people drop these cultural taboos and be open about looking for love.
It’s well known that people, who have someone to love and who loves them in return, are healthier and possibly live longer lives.
It’s those people, who ‘pretend’ that they are not looking for love, who are to be pitied.
In my years as an active SHC member, I have always tried to ‘get the ball rolling’ by introducing and encouraging members to talk to the opposite sex and I have had my share of rude stares and comments from those members who ‘pretend’ that they aren’t there to look for love.
Perhaps these people are there to look for mere activities, which I initially planned on doing, or are they there looking for…… just sex??? I don’t know really.
Any way, whatever it is they are looking for, it’s their ‘own business’ and nobody else’s. They are old enough to know what they want.
So, don’t be afraid to look for love even if you have been ‘bitten’ before. What matters is whether you can ‘get along’ with each other.
As for me, why should life be complicated by marriage? I’ve had and ‘lost’ my marriage, (with no regrets), done my ‘duty’ as a wife, mother, daughter in law etc. and I don’t need to do all that again.
I have, hopefully, another 30 years of life and I want to live them with peace and happiness and if that can be done with a companion, why not? If there’s no one, I can’t blame myself for not making the effort to look for one. I’d still be happy.
So guys and gals, don’t be shy or ‘paiseh’. Come forward and be counted, as the saying goes. :-)
Cheers for love!!
Johnny Pow,
Very lengthy, (hee) but well said!
Eh Terence,
quote, “The planning committee has been discussing in the last 48 hours; ”
I wasn’t aware of that.
Hi Hew Lee #14
Yes, there are two versions:
One is:
“See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil and post no evil”
Second version (newer one?):
“Don’t see everyone’s flaws
Don’t listen to everything you’re told
Don’t speak if it’s not kind
Always look for the good in people.
Not everything is truth
Only speak words of kindness.”
These guidelines can be applied in any kind of relationship viz: husband/wife, among friends etc. Then, there’ll be more harmony among human beings.
Johnny #15, wow, very cheem but very true.
Cheerio………
Yes Terence I give you my support, your thought is very noble but I must say it is a difficult & sensitive task. I suggest, for some level of control it is open only for SHC members. A rule should also be set that all participants MUST be truly single or soon to be single. Anyone found breaching this rule should be expelled from the Club. This is only my two cents worth, sorry to those who find my suggestion not palatable, cheers, SS.
NOBLE thought, frank opinion and/or desperate move. Yes, it is heartrending to hear some of the revelations. While we may appreciate the unreserved outpour, I personally feel this is not the right platform to express it. We are not a match-making agency, are we?
I always go back to basic. Scroll up to the top and see a yellow box on the left. Below the box, it reads ?SilverHairs Club – Strictly for members over 45 years. Please encourage and respect other members’ opinions. Contribute by organising activities for the Club. No politics, religion, race, sex, direct selling & MLM.? There is no mention that SHC is in the business of looking for partners for anybody.
Terence has said there is a ?planning committee? and interested members should write to him via email. Follow his instruction. While we understand the need for some to rediscover or replace their lost love, we must also celebrate and salute those who are still together. It is always heartening to see loving couples attending our functions.
So, unless we change the primary objective of this club, personal preference should be best left at that ? personal.
SilverHairsClub has one broad objective; and that is to provide a platform for SilverHairs to find new and more friends. This has been conceptualised as such; as members can have different interests. I believe that when the objective was coceptualised; it was intended to allow for a variety of group interests. I think we have been pretty flexible on this.
Dating events for single Seniors will likely be one of these interested activities for eligible members. However, as members have requested for confidentiality and good sense, it is good if we are sensitive in our references to the needs of single seniors, as well as married seniors.
The planning committee comprises of 9 members; and they have been discussing plans, ideas and how we would structure dating events for single seniors. First I like to thank them for taking time to discuss; we intend to complete our planning discussions by this friday.
Secondly, as broad discussion points, we came up with 10 suggestions on the type of events. We will likely spread the events over the year. Initially, we plan to target general group events. We also discussed one-one events; although these events are time consuming and detailed. We will go into such activities, after the general group events.
We covered planning on ensuring an equal sex balance, and also the need to have true singles participating.
It is likely we will have a joining fee plus an event fee, for each event. And that both sexes will pay for the events equally.
Over the coming weeks, we will run a response and participation program. Hopefully, we have a equal sex ratio. Some work will be required. Meantime, some of the current planning committee members will move on to join the operations team. We have not reach there here.
Only participating single seniors will be informed of the events.
If you like to join the operations team, please email me directly. This committee will be involved in organising the activities. This work takes time, effort and resources.
Please be updated.
Terence Seah
Hi Terence! Although I am not qualified to be involved in this new project of yours I hope I can contribute some input.
In my personal opinion,once a person reaches the age categorized as ‘senior citizens’, what is important is to have a companion. This applies to singles and married people. The near-end stage of life needs not be a lonely life. Having either a partner or a spouse who can share meals, conversations, hobbies and holidays helps allay the feeling of abject solitude that can do a lot of damage to one’s mental and physical well-being. Family members and friends do count but they cannot be around 24/7.
C0-habitation is so common nowadays and society is not so judgemental about such living arrangements between older adults.
My 2 cents’ worth
Cheers
Ros
The “Dating for Singles seniors” committee finish its discussion. It has been a fruitful experience for the committee during these 7 days.
Program:
It is likely we will take the next few weeks to find out who would like to participate in our program.
Upon identifying the participants, we will plan the activities as (A) group singles event and (B) more focus one-one activities.
All participants will be informed via email only. No registration will be done on this website.
The planning committee finishes its work today. We will move to the next step and that is to form a operations committee (a working committee) to organise these events.
At this stage, we have not formed the organising committee; although a lot of discussion have gone through. This is difficult, as everybody is busy.
For a start, Singles members may write to indicate their interest to participate in this program by emailing to paper.clip@silverhairsclub.com.
Members wishing to join the operations team may email to terences@silverhairsclub.com. Members should have Whatsapp loaded into their mobile.
ok for now. Thank you to the planning team.
Terence Seah
Hi Terence, a very noble job indeed. ???? or Yon Xin Liang Ku (in case Chinese characters are not displayed).
I cannot find a good translation – help !!!
I have received feedback (via sms) that I appeared to be throwing a spanner in this meaningful job (ref #26)
Far from it. I simply wanted to say that an open display of past misadventure can be counter-productive in starting a new venture. Otherwise, relevant remarks are but constant reminders that we should welcome.
Let’s get down to earth — How can all members (single or otherwise) help in this process? Do not underestimate the “word of mouth”. If anybody has an eye – or a crush – on another (must be opposite sex lah), just whisper in your friend’s ear. He/she will try to find out more from the target concerned. I believe every one of us will try our best to pull the strings together, for goodness sake.
Don’t expect miracle, as this has become more elusive as the days go by. Nature sometimes can work wonders though. Hopefully, we can see the first holy matrimony dinner from our Club this year. All the best, Mr. Cupid !
I am glad to receive good responses to our Paper Clip program. We will definitely want to make this a workable endeavour to our single or singles again members.
We like to encourage both men and ladies to participate. If you know of someone whom you know is single or no longer married, please encourage him/her to participate.
I am pretty surprise that we do not have members who would like to offer to be in the organising oommittee. Do write to me at terences@silverhairsclub.com. Please note there is a lot of work in making Paper Clips a successful activity.
Terence Seah
Hi
There are a few pages re: Senior Singles in the Sunday Times today.
Seems finding love again is so endearing.
Must read…..
Hi all,
There’s a cute cartoon strip from Social Dev Network in the ST today with the following advice:
“Manage expectations and set realistic targets when looking for a partner. There is no ‘perfect’ partner and it is more important to find someone who shares the same values in life.”
The singles today are v lucky. Our Govt fully supports marriage and having MORE babies ~ even giving advice on how to choose a life partner. Ha2
During my time, I remember vividly that the Govt’s message was:
“Marry later!”
“Boy or girl, two is enough”
Our employers were not v supportive either.. it was a difficult work/life balance for us. I remember the Boss’ frown when one had to take urgent leave to bring the sick baby to a doctor!!
Regards,
Gabriella
Why Paper Clips? I really dont know why. Very often, in the morning, when I start work, I would look at a box of paper clips which is right next to my computer. Sometimes, when we pick up a paper clip, they are all stuck together. Someetimes, we can pick up one paper clip.
Well, Paper Clip is a program and concept. It will be centered around singles and seniors only.
As an update, you may be surprise, but we have a good participating response. We want to organise activities specially for our single seniors. We are likely to encounter some difficulties balancing our numbers, but I think with the work in the background, we can be successful.
Keep in touch.
Terence Seah
Hi Terence,
In the program, does “single senior” include one who is divorced, separated, or widowed other than one who is never married? Just curios!
Henry C Lim
Hi Henry,
Yes, we have named the program “Life partners for single seniors” as Paper Clips.
The exact definition I would give would be someone who is not legally married. Write to paper.clips@Silverhairsclub.com, and you will be informed.
Terence Seah
Paper Clips is moving to its next step.
The planning and concept committee for our Paper Clips project has provided the main pointers to organising activities for participants of the Paper Clips.
We have since started a new committee who will be involved in getting this program running. There are 4 members in the committee. Our first task is to try to balance up the sexes; as it is our intention to have a balance sex event.
We are going to send out an application to participants in a few weeks.
While there are requests for one-one activity, the committee would be organising mainly group events for singles seniors, until such a time as we are comfortable with organising activities.
To facilitate genuiness in participation, all participants will be required to pay a joining annual fee of $50. This fee is mainly for administrative costs. All activities will be charged, depending on the venue and activity.
The Paper Clips program is catered strictly to singles and singles again SHC members.
Thank you to the members who are part of the organising committee of Paper Clips. Yesterday was the first meeting. Thank you for making the effort to share, plan and discuss.
Terence Seah