We are the product of the choices we made during our journey through life. Some would have more regrets to share than happiness. We blame our parents, our lack of education or circumstances why we are a failure.
If you have a situation in life where no answer is available , let’s share it here and see if we can get some expert opinions.
Let’s me start by enacting a real life situation. A close friend of mine age 63 met a fair lady from Myanmar, she was 42, divorced and have a 25 years son who is working. She run a beauty saloon with a younger sister and stay in her own 4 storey terrace house. After a three months whirlwind encounter, she ask him to marry her. My friend was ecstatic, she was sexy and young and this may be a golden opportunity. My advice to him was to be wary, maybe she just using you to get a better life here. You never know that once you sign the dotted line, you will start bleeding and never to recover.
Wat is your take?
Desperate Dan.
Hahaha, Dan!
Is it you?
I don’t have any advice for you; in this situation only you can judge. And if you think that it is really, really love…then go for it!
What sign on the dotted line? You should sign a pre-nuptual…this is far better.
Jokes aside, every year hundreds of Singaporeans of both sexes take the plunge. And so what if they find that the pool is a quicksand…
Hi Dan,
I think we all have different experience in our earlier lives; so each of us will give you different comments. As u go along with this post, I guess the ladies will offer one advice while the men will give another. I am glad you open the heart.
I am all for it. If at 62, someone comes along and he is single, why not? I fully support Kenneth’s view, so what if the pool is a quicksand. Man or lady, we only have one life, between the tips of the left hand and the right hand, stretched apart.
I am not sure about the dotted line though. If the guy and the gal have given themselves enough time to know one another, why not?
Terence Seah
Hi Dan
Tell your friend “Beware!” She could be a poisonous rose!
Unless your 63- year old friend is handsome and rich, there is no good reason why the young, sexy, rich Myanmese woman would want to marry him except that through marriage with him she has the chance to fulfil her Sgp dream for herself and her grown son.
If your elderly friend has neither money nor looks, tell him directly he is a toad lusting for swan flesh (?????????and remind him : There is no free lunch for the toad!
[image=toad.jpg]
Hi Dan,
I don’t offer any advice but I do disagree with Jasmine’s post.
If you friend is not loaded or handsome, go for it. Exchange NO robbery. So what if she make use of man to achieve what she wants. Your friend can have a few wonderful years of having a companion ( who knows it may be a good life long encounter- Nothing venture Nothing gain )
Of course if your friend is rich, consider how much to bleed for the venture.
Like Kenneth and Terence, I say “Why not? Go for it man!” I hope that’s you, Dan H. Money can certainly buy companionship, even care and compassion. There are women in this world with a kind heart, especially women from less materialistic countries. Even if it is not, what has a 63 year old man got to lose? This is one reason the CPF retirement account is “locked up”, isn’t it?
Tony, I like your phrase “exchange no robbery”. This is what we are all doing each and every day. We pay our bills, we buy things, we work for our salary etc. Hence, money is undeniably one part of the exchange. Why is it sinister or even sinful when two thinking adults mutually agree to trade something with money? The regrets and resentments often come later; when the relationship sours up or a third party kicks up a fuss, also undeniably because of money.
Unless and until that happens, enjoy the happy moments while it lasts.
By the way, a toad has the right to live a life too. Putting this case aside, we have seen in real life fair damsels taking the plunge into the muddy pond; give a kiss to her “toad” and found her hardworking prince and a happy family. The reverse is the “heavenly” swan hoping against hope to catch her fairy-tale prince in shiny armour, sadly until Heaven opens its doors. Different folks different strokes, indeed.
DC
Terence, please no wild guesses! I would think that it is no more an issue whether there is love but each fulfilling their carnal and material needs.
My friend is still debating whether to take the ‘bungee jump’. Wat there to lose, just cherish the thot of having someone to hold and to hug even if his life is shorten by 5 years!
Sham marriage abound in most countries and if caught may have to serve prison terms. This arrangement that my friend being confronted is too good to be true. For me I am willing to bleed if only to live for another 5 to 10 years with her.
Jasmine, bear in mind that it is she who propose.
Tony, you do understand us man better. Wat wrong with barter trade if both are willing though it seem the guy is being lead to the slaughter house!
Daniel, no wild guesses. Good that you concur and wat there to lose but your sanity.
Dan.
Can’t resist a morning response to Dan’s latest comment. I didn’t quote this from somewhere.
A man or a woman can fall in love many times in a lifetime.
When a man or a woman falls in love, nothing is going to change his or her mind.
And lastly, when a man or a woman realises he or she is in love, it is usually way into it..
Terence Seah
Dan, tell your friend to go for the gut feel. If both are willing parties, what’s stopping them. If the happiness lasts for a short time, at least it happened. If he doesn’t try, he would’nt know. If he lets the opportunity slip, he may regret for the rest of his life because he will always be hounded by the ifs and if nots.
If it does not turn out right, just pick himself up and move on. Who knows? She may be genuine. I believe in giving a go if there is the slightest chance of something good.
I wish your friend all the best!
Cheers
Carly
Dan,
Your case study of the background is only less than one page which is easier to answer than those case studies that is 8 pages long with information to cloud and confuse the student.
The lack of certain information like the man’s and lady asset, health, aspiration and needs would require the audience to do their own further assumption. I see replies coming in and I actually can see this can erupt into a gender war. SHC event has always seen more female than male but here I see more male replies than female.
And uniquely, it is the male that say go for it, what there to lose and the only female warn ” dont be a sucker”
I have to poiltically and diplomatically correct with my response. Dan, you are right
to be wary. But beyond that how. Wait for the sun to set and miss the opportunity ?? I would say “devise” way to test her sincerity if you dont want to use the test of time which a 68 year old man dont have much of it. How ??
I just give you two example. This is a true case reported on China news. 4 years back. A mainland Chinese guy woos a demure ordinary Chinese girl. He “is” a commoner using the public transport, eating at common food stall and watching movies and walk in the park as their courtship activities when they dated each other. After intense 8 months courtship. he proposed and the girl accepted. He then reveal himself to be a CEO of his own very successful business and move around in suits, chauffeured to his appointment and eat at restaurants. Of course, his wife is angry for the testing but he replied that if I failed in my business and be a commoner, I know you will still be by my side. He is relieved he dont have to put up the act anymore and the lady need to adapt to a Tai Tai life. Sound like fairy tale but is not. Probably make a good plot for Korean drama.
2nd example.
A lady is courted by 2 suitors A and B. A is richer, more flamboyant, flashy and charismatic. B is also well to do but not so charismatic being more down to earth.
After a period of courtship by both of them, A propose to the lady. B didnt and the lady probably wish B did which will make her even more undecided than it is. Still she is undecided if A is the right choice. She confide in her friend and she teach her a method to test with some collaboration from medical circle. She feigns been diagnoised with terminal cancer. A withdraw the marriage proposal but willing to pay for her medical and B attend to her at every viistation hour and stay vigilance at the hospital to be by her side. So ladies out there ? who would you choose.
So it is possible to test the sincerity and I think he should . Wanna pay me consultancy fee how to do it ?
To end, I share another true case. A classmate of mine for whatever reason stay bachelorhood, despite me introduce him some nice PRC girl. I think being a Singaporean man he is never comfortable with Singaporean woman. I never asked why. Then at the age of 52, he sent me a picture of him and his Vietnamese bride via Wat App. The bride is beautiful and young, more than 20 years gap. They wedded in Singapore. Trouble soon start after the bedroom actitivities when the cultural difference and materialistic expectation surfaces. It was her constant demand for money to send back money to her family and Vietnam and her materialistic need. I volunteer to get my Vietnamese lady firend to counsel her but he solve it by making the marriage null and void within the 6 month before he had to deal with the Woman Charter. Dont play play with Singapore Woman Charter. I always said to ladies . Singapore is a great place to be borned a female.
I used to joke to my lady Shanghainese PRC friend about me being warned to be associated with Shanghainese woman by Singaporean and even other PRC women. Apparently PRC women from other province dont like Shanghainese, which I now beginning to understand though I dont subscribe to because it is envy.
They are sharp, smart and all you need to is have them on your side instead of against you. She floored me with the answer ” How much have you spent on me throughout our friendship over 8 years which is really negigible ?”
So do your friend need to hire me to test the lady sincerity ? I have done myself but the truth can be painful.
As usual, my post has never being a simplicity.
Dan,
Precisely. It was the woman who proposed and that put her in a special category – a woman who knows and goes after what she wants. Definitely no shrinking violet. Tell your friend not to feel flattered by her proposal and see not the serpent beneath the innocent flower! *
*”…Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under’t” – Lady Macbeth tells Macbeth to look as harmless as a flower and to hide his ambition so that no one can suspect him after they kill the king.
[image=flpwer2.jpg]
Hi Dan
I believe your friend @ this age should be matured, wise and able to decide if he should or should not. Love has no boundary and so is one’s lifespan. And if the man in mention is you, I congratulate you. You have finally found a mate. “Checkmate!”
Jasmine, all said and done my friend may just go ahead even if there is a serpent lurking about. The joy is resting on her bosom.
Leon, you certainly have a wealth of experience to share. Keep it coming.
Thanks Carly, you certainly made my day, oh I meant my close friend.
Yew Kwong, why is everybody think it me?
Dan.
Apart from one very very long incomprehensible piece that serves only to clog cyberspace, all the men here would like DanH ‘s friend to go for the woman. Maybe Dan should invite his friend to join SHC and share with us his romance. Caroline, I simply like your down to earth comment — an assertive and sensible opinion from a lady with the heart in the right place.
DC
Dan,
Thanks for your compliments. I saw your earlier post and replies on forum when I myself was an inactive member. You strike me as a humble, measured, sensible, direct but still cautious with your words person, something I can admire. “We can eat the wrong food and shit it out as diarrhoe. We shoot our mouth loosely, the image associated with words stayed and the price to pay can be high even if an apology is offered later” . I always keen to reconcile the real person with the image I have of a person from his thoughts. Thus I was fortunate enough to meet you in person a few time but never get a chance to have a longer chat.
Hope that opportunity to know you better come soon not so much because of a chance to know that sexy lady.
Leon, what you share so far do give us a different perspective of life, appreciate. As to seeking your help to a test on the lady I have to consult my friend, thanks. Any contribution here is important to us, let no one cast sarcasm on another.
I do look forward to meeting you and sharing our common goals.
Yew Kwong, like your kind remarks and I hope that my friend find marital bliss and a life long companion.
Daniel, maybe I should get my friend to join SHC soon. Btw, I get to understand she is a very good dancer.
Dan
http://www.straitstimes.com/news/singapore/more-singapore-stories/story/he-said-she-loved-only-my-money-20150308#xtor=CS1-10str.sg/ojN
“Why is it sinister or even sinful when two thinking adults mutually agree to trade something with money? The regrets and resentments often come later; when the relationship sours up or a third party kicks up a fuss, also undeniably because of money.
Unless and until that happens, enjoy the happy moments while it lasts.”
Hi Daniel, The above report (as highlighted in the link) appeared in the Straits Times today. It’ll be interesting to know, “when the relationship sours…..because of money” happening exactly for this couple, what will your advice, or for that matter all the gentlemen and a lady who said “go ahead” be? Is it worth taking this sort of gamble?
But I don’t disagree with what Terence says “when a man or woman falls in love, nothing is going to change his or her mind.” I can only wish him good luck in his gamble – it is a gamble, isn’t it?
Cheers!
Dan,
I like to join in this life story.
Recently, we read in the newspapers that 30% of marriages in Singapore involve one party who is a foreigner. How could this be? I asked myself. Unfortunately, we are not birds; we fly around, find a mate, have a baby bird, and then fly around again. National Geographic sometimes shows videos of bulls used for mating many cows at one go. Yes, we are no rams. We are human.
But, then we are humans. We have animal or human instincts. Many of us would want a mate “Checkmate”, We want a friend, a partner or someone to be close to, day and night.
Should we resist ourselves? We are humans. Whether he or she is Chinese, Australian, or Indian or Myanmese. I have a suggestion on how to make this decision. Blindfold yourself, and then run across the road. If you are still alive, go ahead.
Terence Seah
Thank you Susan. I am in no position to render advice to a marital affair gone wrong, especially when it is before the court of law. Suffice to say, they have had their happy moments.
The 2 statements, from the man and lady respectively, sum up everything
1. “I also can’t take my money into my coffin when I die.”
2. “I thought he could give me happiness. Instead, I got hell.”
For every one case that ends up sour, there must be many that are relatively well. A gamble no doubt. But isn’t marriage a gamble to many people, especially women? Perhaps the best bet is no bet. Different folks different strokes – I like the title.
DC
Terence you are presuming too much
again. Whether to take heed on your advice to dash across the road I let my friend decide. You reminded me of the instigator who prompted Eve to convince Adam to have a bite of the apple and see where it landed us? The women to suffer in childbearing and the man to toil the ground.
It getting more interesting when my friend confided in me that when he visited her in Myanmar..She got a younger sister also divorced with a daughter attending university and an older sister that never marry yet. I am tempted to go so is a another friend of mine. Terence even suggested that I should put out a new post for men only to go there to seek new business opportunities.
Ladies, bear with us man as we venture into a fantasy world!
Dan.
The winner takes it all!
One winner in the $8 million Toto draw! And who’s say that any relationship is doomed to fail!
Let’s look on the bright side and see the total picture; we Singaporeans tend to think that every other countriy’s woman (or man) is a heartless, money-grabbing, cheating scoundrel out to get you. It is not the case, but unfortunately, the relationship failures and scandals are the ones highlighted in the news media. I know of many relationships that are healthy and strong after many years.
So, don’t just bet on Toto…take a chance on that relationship: it may be your biggest win! And, Dan, why don’t you go to Myanmar too!
Susan, I read the articles posted by you. Very interesting case and thank you for sharing.
Its takes two hands to clap. The guy kept accusing the woman of cheating him. However, he could just let go if he felt she was too demanding. After two years with her and he claims there was no love! He might as well go and sleep with a dead fish! She is young and beautiful. This is the price he has to pay for lusting her. Like what Daniel said, they had their happy moments. He just wants to have the cake and eat it! So I think the judge’s verdict is his just desserts.
Carly
Hi Dan
V interesting topic indeed .. Romance is in the air :-) and I do not wish to be a wet blanket.
There are 3 types of love:
AGAPE – in sickness and health love, for richer or poorer love, for better or worse love. It is the only kind of love that is TRUE LOVE (only time can tell)
Phileo – friendship love
Eros – sexual love
Both friendship and sex have an important place in marriage and are definitely part of the house you are building together as husband and wife. But if a marriage totally depends on this, then the foundation of the relationship is unstable.
Your friend had only a 3-month (ie 12 weeks or 84 days) whirlwind relationship. To be pragmatic, is he sure that he wishes to enter into a contract and sign on the dotted line?
Instead of blindfolding and dashing across the road to test if the proposal holds water, the following criteria may be a more sensible way to test if he should take the plunge ya?
LOVE
is patient
is kind
it does not envy
it does not boast
it is not proud
it is not self-seeking
it is not easily angered
keeps no record of wrongs
does not delight in evil
rejoices with the truth
always protects
always trusts
always hopes
always perseveres
never fails
If your friend finds he can tick at least 50% of the above, then go for it. After all, Marriage is a gamble!
Notwithstanding the above, he can still take the plunge before it’s too late (he’s already 63 right?) as he may not have much time to think too hard (in contrast to one who is 36). Haha
Ultimately, some may consider that it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all…………..
Good Luck to your friend :-)
[image=love.jpg]
Kenneth, thanks for the encouragement, it a gamble after all.
Gabriella, nice hearing from you and your sharing on the ‘Discourse on Love’ from 1 Corinthian Chapter 13. I dun think agape love is in the picture. The guy only need someone to have and to hold. The gal just want to squeeze and bleed him.
Dan
This is getting interesting.
Dan — firstly all readers, particularly you on behalf of your friend, ought to know that we are all voicing our opinions in good faith. While some may add a joke or two, or quote related real life incidents, they are mentoned with good intentions.
Ultimately the decision lies on the two “main stars” of the drama.
Third parties can only comment.
My personal opinion would be – aspire to have the best relationship but be prepared for the worst. As a man, he needs to provide all the essentials for his woman. As a wise man, he must keep some money in a tuck away kitty. Enjoy the happy moments together. When love becomes loathe, NEVER ask the woman to return your “investments”.
All the best
DC
Ha ha Daniel – NEVER ask the woman to return your “investments”? this guy ego is so huge that he is willing to gamble it all! The guy, divorced with a 2nd wife and the woman a divorcee, both have a failed marriage realised that they have miscalculated……. I suspect is the woman who scheme a exit, too bad is the guy’s ego that looses more in this case! Men “in a affair” i hear usually are the ones who wants to destroy the woman who leave them (look at all those who even kills) whereas most Woman no matter how much they have lost knowing there is no legal binding for any returns, will exit quietly. Is there no other pills beside Viagra to help these Andropause men?
Having said that, I agreed “its better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all…………..”
Finally there is something (s)exciting to talk about! No need to test, for sure the main purpose is to stay here legally for her and the son. But if the guy knowingly plunge into the hot water why not? Nothing venture nothing gain. But better to cohabit first say 3 months or as long as her visa allow. You know different culture different habit and taste (and perhaps language barrier too). if you can’t tahan her for 3 months then forget about the rest of the life! Moneywise provide only the necessary ( shopping for clothes, make up etc use her own money). So if the relationship doesn’t work out the guy only loose heart and can still go for another trial (with older lady perhaps since he only wants hugs ). How’s tat Dan?
FYI there are loads of girls being escorted back to the plane almost everyday at changi airport before they even step into the city. Why? I think you know the answer. But do they know? Some might be but they still try their luck!
Haha Freda, for a moment I thought “this guy” refers to me, as the sentence is continuous. If I were “that guy”, probably the woman would be asking me to return “her investments”. Just joking. But if it does happen, is it an honour or a shame to the man ? A matter of perception. Different folks different strokes, indeed.
OK folks. To show decency and respect to Dan, his friend and his friend’s friend, let’s refrain from bringing up more unsavoury stories about foreign women. Start another post and we can discuss and debate about man-woman relationships. There are many things to talk about.
DC
Hi Dan
I think your 63- year- old friend wanted you to experience the high he’s feeling by telling you the lady who proposed to him has two eligible sisters. And now you and another friend are thinking of jumping on the Myanmese bandwagon! lol!Do tread carefully!
Freda, no worries there is still Cialis and Levitra to fall upon.
Daniel, well said and done. We are still waiting for you to put up a post with your superb command of English.
Jasmine, ‘the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak’.
Frisna, I really like your candid opinions. And yes nothing like to have and to hold and to hug.
Dan.
Hi Dan Huang
I am surprised that my second comment with a pic of a man and a woman in love have been erased from this forum page? Why? Did you trash it? Was it done by mistake? This comment was there from 13 March for a few days. However, I logged in this morning and found my comments had disappeared.
Perhaps Terence can advise whether authors (who are given the editing right) delete members’ comments as and when he likes?
Thank you
Hi Terence
I wanted to repeat my earlier comments (which were trashed) but somehow, I was ‘blocked’ and could not repeat my comments again.
However, I am sure you can retrieve my message from ‘trash’ if it has indeed been trashed on purpose or by mistake.
Thank you.
Dear Gabriella,
I have not a clue wat happen, perhaps Terence can look into it? All comments are in good taste and I dun understand any deletion.
Dan
Hi Dan
Thank you for your quick response to my comment early this morning. I’m glad that you didn’t trash my hilarious comments + picture. I really appreciate your kind note above. Fortunately, I had checked with you; otherwise there’ll be a misunderstanding .. How sad! :-(
However, the mystery remains as to why comments on the forum page can just vanish into thin air. Sounds spooky. Perhaps, our Red Indian Chief, Terence can look into this and let us know accordingly ya?
Regards
Hi Dan
Since the earlier comments have vanished, I’ll try and reproduce again, albeit with a different picture of a hugging couple this time.
“Hahaha!
If your friend only wants someone to hold and keep him warm (Eros love), then he should strike while the iron is hot (provided he is neither rich nor handsome). However, he may have to bear in mind that she MAY leave him once she and her son get their passport to stay in Singapore. Heeeeee”
Good luck!
[image=loving couple.jpg]
Wait a minute, love waits for no man……or woman !
But why married at old age, to me marriage is for those who wants kids or an HDB flat.
So let the couple enjoy each other’s company while the love lasts if it is really love & when it is no more each can move on…….
this way, they do not gain from each other & if they still together when the man hits 73, go on get married then who bothers.
Romance continues even without marriage if its really love.
Hi Zara,
Agreed that at our age a certificate is not that important but just a life long companionship. We can see that the women hope for a better life here and the right to live here.
There another more interesting soap opera type of story to tell but I have yet to get the copyright. What other story have you lovely folks out there to share?
Dan.