Some jokes would like to share with all of you
Joke 1
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song" Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti: (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song. Ah Beng were very angry and kicked up a big fuss claiming he DJ was insulting them. The Manager had to intervene in order to calm them down, finally after a long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager found out that there were actually asking for the song " Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
Joke 2
The Titanic was sinking and there weren’t lifeboats, So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy water to make room for women and young children.
To the British he said, "You must act like gentlement". They Jumped.
To the Americans he said, " You can be heroes." They Complied…
To the Germans he said, "it’s the rule." They Obeyed.
To the Japanese he said, " It’s the consensus." They Obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just weren’t budging until he came up with the appeal: Free Life Jackets for those who jumpted.
Hi Judy,
Thanks for sharing these funny jokes. Nothing like having a good sense of humour to chase away the blues!
Here a joke I want to share:
A sign in the window saying ‘HELP WANTED – Must be a good typist and
have
good computer skills. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an
Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the
window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and
wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and
pawed the air. The receptionist called the office manager. He was
surprised to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog
looked determined so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager
expectantly. The manager said, ‘I can’t hire you. The sign says you
must be able to type. The dog
jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a
perfect business letter. He took out the page with his mouth and trotted
over to the manager, gave it to
him, then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, ‘That was fantastic, but I’m
sorry. The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have computer
skills. The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample Excel
spreadsheet and Access database, retouched a picture with Photo shop,
and then presented them all to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, ‘Hey, I realize that
you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but
you’re a dog no way could I hire you. The dog jumped down and went to
the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, Equal
Opportunity Employer.’ The exasperated manager said, Yes, I know what
the sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual. The dog
looked him straight in the eye and said,
“Meow!”
An email to me courtesy of Andrew Thio.
Hi Judy,
Here are some, enjoy
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Also contributed by our Andrew Thio
Here’s some more,
Ah Lian ask shopkeeper: Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee,boh? Ah Chek : Wu siao ah! stocking wear up to ‘yeo’ (waist) only, wheregot up to the ‘nee'(breast) one.
Story 2 Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian’s place toshow it to her. So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. ‘This is ah,so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!’ ‘Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!’ said Ah Lian. ‘Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!’ So Ah Lian said, ‘Let me try! I wan, I wan!’ So Ah
Lian took the driver’s seat and shifted the gear and floored the& accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into thelamp-post. ‘Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!’ screamed Ah Beng.. ‘Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor, ‘R’ for racingmah!’* Story 3 The Titanic was sinking, and there weren’t enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icywaters to make room for women and children. To the British he said. ‘You must act like gentlemen.’ They jumped. To the Americans he said, ‘You can be heroes.’ They
complied. To the Germans he said, ‘It’! s the rule.’ They obeyed. To the Japanese he said,’ It’s the consensus.’ They obliged. Then came the Singaporean and they just weren’t budging until he cameup with the appeal: ‘Free life jackets for those who jumped.’
Story 4 3 recruits – Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army supply base tocollect underwear. The sergeant was there to aid the
supplies. Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwear you need ah? Ah Beng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)! Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many? Ah! Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day
one. Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear? Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen! Sergeant: (curious) How come six? Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear
sarong. Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwears dah dei? Tambi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!! Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why you need so many for? Tambi: January, February,
March…..One month one.
Story 6 One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and want toget down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It wasthen followed by a G. As they not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does theletter G mean. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, theother Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, ‘Wah low!!!, how you know one?’ The first Ah Lianreplysmugly, ‘Easy lah.. G for Gero mah…’
Story 7 Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated from Law school and decidedto apply for a job in the most prestigious ‘Lee & Lee Law Firm’ During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh’s resume,thinks for a while and said, ‘Well, I would need
to discuss your application with my wife.’ And went off to discuss Santa’s application with his wife. Lee KY’swife said, ‘C’mon, don’t you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with ‘Lee’ only? Of course, wecan’t hire Santa Singh!’
So Lee ! KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection. Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and requestfor another interview and Lee KY said, ‘Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire…….’ when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, ‘I know, I know. I
havejust changed my name. Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, ‘What is your new name then?’ On this, Santa Singh replied, ‘Surname Lee, Last name, Manga!'(Manga-Lee)
Some more,
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences…no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”
“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”
“Ah, yes,” said the policeman…”Just follow me”. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.
“In there,” points the policeman. “Go ahead sir, anywhere you like.”
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, “That was really decent of you… is that what you call English hospitality?”
“No sir…”, replied the police officer, “…that is what we call the
French Embassy.”
(Also courtesy of Andrew Thio)
Some more from SHC Andrew Thio
Typing Errors
A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her
B.Ed exams,
which the father received as “Father, your daughter has been
successful in BED.”
A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a
telegram to his wife “I wish you were here.”
The message received by the wife was “I wish you were her.”
A man wanted to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party.
So he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message
he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment and said,put
“getting older but you are getting better”.
The salesman asked “how do you want me to put it?” The man said
‘Well…put “You are getting older” at the top and “but you are
getting better” at the bottom.’
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast
at the message on the cake. It read : “You are getting older at the
top, but you are getting better at the bottom”
(Also courtesy of Andrew Thio)
Gosh, Andrew, you should write a book!!!
ROSE BUDS & HANGING BASKETS . . .
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her ‘Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!’ and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate…. The grandmother says, ‘Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets..
Happy Gardening!
Parrots …
A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot “Now look here, I know you are always sitting at that window sticking your beak in. When me and my new wife get back from the wedding I want you to turn round and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I’ll break your neck, do you understand?” The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding the parrot turns round as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can’t get the case closed. “Get on top and sit on it baby!” Says the man the woman does so and grunts and moans but can’t shut the case. “You get on top baby it might be better” Says the wife, so the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still cant shut the case. After a little thought the man says “Ok we’ll both get on top see if that’s any better!” The parrot turns round and says “Neck or no neck I have to see this!”
David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude. He was constantly saying polite words and playing soft music, he did anything he could think of. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder and ruder. Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said: “I’m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to correct my behavior.” David was astounded at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot continued: “May I ask what the chicken did?”
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”. Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” “Yes”, said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: “What’s your name?” “Clarence,” said the bird. “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”
A Chinese man and an English man were dining in a restaurant.
The Chinese man lifted his glass up and made a toast to the English man, “Gan Bei” (Cheers).
The English man was confused but he continued eating.
This happened a few times and whenever the Chinese man wanted to drink he would always say “Gan Bei”
The English man only nodded and silently continued to drink and eat.
Not long after, the Chinese man once again said, “Gan Bei” whilst lifting up his glass.
This time, the English man put down his cutlery and angrily said to the Chinese man,
“It’s all right if you CAN’T PAY!” I’ll pay!
So just shut up”.
Hi Andrew Thio
May I on your ‘joke’ recipient list please? my email is frispjt@yahoo.com thanks
Hi there, 2 to share with you.
——————
#1
We don’t stop laughing when you grow old.
We grow old when we stop laughing.
——————
#2
Men are possesive so when they created words, they had to stake their claim.
Woman has Man in it
Mrs has Mr in it
Female has Male in it
She has He in it
Madam has Adam in it
So, women took revenge by creating words to remind them of the idiots who caused them so much pain.
MEN strual cramps
MEN opause
GUY naecology problems
HIS terectomy
Perhaps someone in SHC can explain why we so like that. Any English teacher among us care to enlighten fellow members?
Noted a standing A-sign board outside the Seven Heavens Cafe in the Maldives.
Quite interesting advertisement. Cannot post the picture so reproduce the words below.
—————
Happy Hour Monsoon Special:
Buy one drink, one flu cocktail free.
—————
Water is Precious
Save Water
Drink Beer
—————
People who drink get drunk
People who get drunk go to sleep
People who go to sleep do not sin
People who do not sin go to heaven
So let us drink more and go to heaven
—————
Bless the owner. Have an enjoyable weekend.
Cheers.
Hi All,
Thank you for sharing all jokes with me & I would like to take this opportunity to wish all of you Merry Christmas & New year.
Cheers!
Judy
Hi All,
A fren of mine sent this and I think is fun 2 share wif all of you.. Wishing you a Merry Xmas and Happy New Year 2010. Cheers.. Dolly
See, how people write leave applications. It’s murder of English language.
It’s Funny.
Just Read It.
The leave applications,
An employee applied for leave as follows:
“Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife,
please sanction me one-week leave.”
From an employee who was performing the “mundan” ceremony of his 10 year
old son: “As I want to shave my son’s head, please leave me for two days.”
Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s
wedding: “As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave.”
Administration Dept: “As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one
responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.”
Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: “Since I’ve to go
to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me
half day casual leave.”
An incident of a leave letter: “I am suffering from fever, please declare
one-day holiday.”
A leave letter to the headmaster: “As I am studying in this school I am
suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today.”
Another leave letter written to the headmaster: “As my headache is paining,
please grant me leave for the day.”
Covering note: “I am enclosed herewith…”
Another one: “Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my
below…”
Actual letter written for application of leave: “My wife is suffering from
sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave.”
Letter writing: “I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.”
A candidate’s job application: “This has reference to your advertisement
calling for a ‘ Typist and an Accountant – Male or Female’… As I am
both(!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good
experience, I am applying for the post.
Dolly…
I love your jokes this morning..monday blues all gone when i read it…laughed till teared!,reminded me of the Yunnan english signs when we were there..so hilarious!..hhmm
Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC. I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He laughed as he told me it meant “Problem In Chair, Not In Computeres.
You can subscribe to http://www.ajokeaday.com/ for free daily jokes.
Just a few words, Simple, live still have to go on, Rgds
Teacher’s Nightmare
Kids Are Quick
___________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
____________
Has anyone heard of these before ??? (^_^)
———————————————
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
—–
When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”
—–
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?
—–
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
—–
My husband says I never listen to Him. At least I think that’s what he said.
—–
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
—–
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
—–
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
It’s another beautiful Sunday. Time to think of things beautiful, like names.
Gals choose beautiful flowers, precious stones as names.
So, even tho Rice keeps humger away for days, gals still prefer Rose which withers away overnite. That is still ok but not so ok if……
A motormouth calls herself Jade not realising that she’s actually a Jay. She who looks closer to a turnip goes by the name Tulip and wont, with her sexy lips, Kisturtle gives herself scant respect with the name Crystal?
And dont you agree that those with noses bigger than their bosoms, shdnt call themselves Blossom?
Going to have my massage liao. Both my head and feet need it.
Husband texts his wife on h/phone…
“Hi, what r u doing Darling?”
Wife: I’m dying!….
Husband jumps with joy but types “Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?”
Wife: “U idiot! I’m dying my hair…”
Husband: “Bloody English Language!
An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men. Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife’s Ticket Free. After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply…”Which Trip?”
Husband was seriously ill. Doc to wife: Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don’t discuss ur problems, no tv serial, don’t demand new clothes & gold jewels, Do this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home.. Husband: what did the doc say ?
Wife: No chance for u to survive
Cool message by a wife
Cool Msg by a woman: Dear Mother-in-law, “Don’t Teach me how 2 handle my children, I’m living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement”
A Lady to Doctor:
My husband has habit of talking in sleep! what shud i give him to cure?
Dr: Give him an Opportunity to speak wen he’s awake
What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
A – One Woman Brings U into this world crying… & the other ensures U Continue to do so.
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?”
Millionaire: “I owe everything to my wife.”
Interviewer: “Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: “What were you before you married her?”
Millionaire: “A Billionaire”
Wife: You always carry my photo in your bag to the office. Why?
Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, “What other problem can there be greater than this
A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled:
“how would you feel if you don’t see me for two days?”
The man couldn’t believe his luck: ‘that would be great’!
Monday passed and he didn’t see her…
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too…
On Thursday his swelling became better
And now he could see her from the corner of one eye.
Why did u shoot ur wife?
Judge: why did u shoot ur wife instead of shooting her lover?
Sardar: Your honour, it’s easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.!!