Jokes: men and women

So many jokes nowadays, like to share some:

Wife: Honey….. What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing…?? U’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband: I was just looking for the expiry date.

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Q – What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife?
A – One Woman Brings U into this world crying… & the other ensures U continue to do so.

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Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

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Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.

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Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.

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A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

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Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "Billionaire "

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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

39 thoughts on “Jokes: men and women”

  2. Why the first one is the best? Actually, I categorized it as a short sad story, so I just put it at the top.

    I like is the last one most, as it show that our guy can always dig out or create some merits for a lady even there is none, ha ha

    Waiting for the SNF (count down: 18 days). Can I invite you to dance on that night. Seriousness not joke.

  3. Hi Hongkong/Sin man

    Thanks for the jokes, all are very funny but I like best is the “dinner” one, I should tell my children that as well (haha)

    Thanks u for the jokes.

    Good Day

    Karen

  4. Hi Karen

    Please drop the title HK man for me (I don’t want to be a refugee without nationality). Just call me Sing man (Singapore man or man like to sing), OK? Will buy you a bread and a tea to thank you next time we meet. Otherwise, you have to buy me.

    Nice to know that one joke is useful to you

    When will I see you again? When will we share precious moments? You see, I really can sing, Ha ha

  5. Hi Hongkong/SIn Man

    I still think this sound better (haha). Tot giving u two nationality …. u will be much happier.

    When I read “when will I see you again” , I was kind of singing the song but did not expect u were actually singing (haha).

    Well, Maybe Sept gathering or in my craft classes soon.

    Karen

  7. Hi Karen
    There should be no double nationality in Singapore, May be because of you, I’m the only lucky guy. Yes, will see you again in the Sept gathering.

    Hi Xiang Xiang
    just for some fun only, thanks. I cannot sing “When will I see you again” as we haven’t met yet. Hope to meet you soon.

    Good day to both and others SHC.

  8. Hi Andrew

    We met in the 1st Cha Cha lesson at Clementi CC. I couldn’t help laughing to myself reading your jokes. Could I share them with my friends….any copyright imposed.

  9. HongKong/Sin man

    Sooooo , u should start singing ….When will I see u again… to Xiang Xiang (haha)

    Do u always sing this song to all the ladies in SHC ?????

    Karen

  12. Xiang Xiang

    Ya , will hear him sing.

    Hongkong/Sin man

    Start practising your vocal ok….. Xiang Xiang & I will sure be there to support u.

    R u singing at the Ronald Wie Jam ???

    Karen

  13. Hi Xiang Xiang

    Sure you can share them with you friend. If there are any copyright impose, I’m the one to be sued first, then you, ha ha.
    Oh, you are my classmate of Cha Cha, sorry for my ignorant. So that mean We can see you again this Friday to share the precious moment.

    Hi Karen
    You see, I already sing to Xiang Xiang the song.
    Yes, I always sing this song to the SHC ladies, but …… usually no reply, sigh….. May be the song is too high for me by 3 degree, ha ha.
    I like singing and hope can sing with you both one day: “When will I see you again, when will……”
    I think my singing is not up to the level to jam with Ronald Wie.

    Hi Lilian
    Happy you like it, and “When will I see you again….” ha ha

  15. Still on the subject of men and women………

    Overheard at a pub, a man was complaining to his pal about his girl.

    “When i say kind words explicitly, i am exaggerating – insecure. When i say kind words implicitly, i am hesitating – insincere. When i say unkind words explicitly, i am humiliating – insensitive. When i say unkind words implicitly, i am insinuating – insensible.
    So what should i say leh ???”

  16. Sin/Hongkong man

    The next time u sing , get Xiang Xiang & myself to be your back-up… u sure will get a immediate reply from the beautiful lady

    (Thanks to Karen & Xiang Xiang and not your voice -haha)

    Ok, will-update your name in my HP as Hongkong/SIn man.

    Happy ??

    karen

  17. Some modification on #15

    ………. When I say unkind words implicitly, i am insulating – insensible. When I zip my mouth and don’t say anything, i am boring – insensible.
    So what should i do lah??? Let’s have a drink.

    Hi Daniel
    Thank to fill more fun in this posting. Hope you don’t mind my modification.

  18. Hi Craft lady

    If Xiang Xiang don’t mind, there will be a new singing group in SHC: “Andrew and the two Lovely Angles”.

    Our first debut performance will be on Sept’s meeting. We sing “When will I see you again” to all the present ladies, then Andrew will become the most happy, busy, and popular guy in SHC. Wow, gorgeous!!!

    Dream ….. dream, dream, dream. Dream ….. dream, dream, dream

  19. When will I seeeee you again? When will we shaaaare precious moments….This is one of my favourites!!! And yes….ON…I shall dance with you on Sat Nite.
    The first time I saw u was at Zuok…u wore a white shirt, slim, smiley, so hamesome….I quickly asked AhNee…hey who is that goodlooking guy. She said, aiyah that’s Andrew Yeung lah u don’t know meh…..:-))))

  22. Hi June

    When I saw your comment, I went immediately to the mirror to look into it for 15 minutes, I cannot found anything can be connected to good looking… handsome… Is the guy you mentioned are me? Ha ha. Thanks for your compliment.

    Thanks for your promise to dance with me on the Sat Nite. Do you remember we have dance in the Batam trip, but only for a few steps, then you leave me, :-(. This time, must be a complete dance, OK,

    Gorgeous, will see you soon to share the precious moment (count down: 15 days)

    Good morning.

  24. Hi Yew Kwong

    Dream ….. Wet……
    Still happen to you…..
    Long time not for me ……..
    really envy you …….

    Ha, ha, Yew Kwong ??, naughty but adorable

    ??????….??????…

  25. Hi AndrewY

    Luckily u din call her crafty lady otherwise u reli get hammered. Now the question is how can she dance wif u as u dun even noe who she is? U shd b able 2 chk out her name in the SNF list. Huh…

  26. Yew kwong , SIn/Hongkong man

    Ya , lucky he never call me “crafty lady” … or I will Hammer him.

    Yew Kwong , Andrew called me “craft Lady” la. I meet him in your It COurse followed by the Pipeline walk.

    What SNF ??? I lost count on all the event this month (haha).

    karen

  28. Hi karen, the Craft Lady

    In #19 June promised to dance with me and in your #20, you mentioned her. So the “she” in my #23 is June. Sorry to confuse you. Also this answer also seems quite confusing, ha ha.

    SNF = Sat Nite Fever on 30 Aug

  30. Ha, ha Craft Lady

    You want to give me trouble again. How can there be too many ladies in SHC surround me. To say I am a “Nobody Child” will be more correct.

    See you in the SNF

  31. Hi Andrew,

    Below is another humour to share with you and all SHC friends……….

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~”A Little Shoe Box”

    A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything and talked about anything. They kept no secrets from each other except for a shoe box the little old woman placed on top of her closet. She cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about it.

    For all of these years, he had never thought about the box until one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

    In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and brought it to his wife’s bedside.
    She agreed that it was time he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

    He asked her about the contents. ‘When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me if I ever were angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’

    The little old man was so moved that he had to fight back his tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him twice in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

    ‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’

    ‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’

    A Prayer…….
    Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
    Love to forgive him;
    And Patience for his moods;
    Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
    I’ll beat him to death because I don’t know how to crochet.

  33. Hi Eleanor

    First, thanks for you sharing this story in my posting.

    I agreed with Andrew Thio (hi Andrew, a hello from another Andrew), this story should have started a new posting.

    But, surely this should not be a joke, but a very touching love story.

    For a husband and a wife, There are a lot of arguements. A magnifier always between them which changing the trivial bickering into lethal conflicts. If all the couples can get the moral of this story, there should not have the jokes of my original posting anymore, ha ha

    Thanks again for the touching story. Can I put it to the posting for you, to let more SHC members read it. Really don’t want anyone miss it.

  35. Hi Elanor,
    you were able to write this so you cant be a computer idiot. :)

    It took me a while to figure out how to do a post also. Here’s what to do:
    Login to SHC
    Choose site admin @ the bottom left.
    Choose Write
    After composing the post, select the categories that you want it posted to & then send for moderation

    Hope this helps. :)

  37. 1)The father bought some deer meat for dinner and as the wife cooked it, they decided to let the kids guess the type of meat on the table.
    So they asked the kids to guess. The father decided to be helpful and hinted it was what their mother sometimes called him.

    The daughter quickly pulled her brother aside and told him not to eat it. “Why?” the brother asked.

    “Because it’s the arsehole!!!!”

    2) Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.
    The first surgeon says,
    ‘I like to see accountants on my operating table
    because when you open them up,
    everything inside is numbered.’

    The second responds,
    ‘Yeah, but you should try electricians!
    Everything inside them is color-coded.’

    The third surgeon says,
    ‘No, I really think librarians are the best;
    everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’

    The fourth surgeon chimes in,
    ‘You know I like construction workers.
    Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end,
    and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’

    But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed,
    ‘You’re all wrong.
    Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
    There’s no guts,
    no heart,
    no balls,
    no brains,
    and no spine,
    and there are only two moving parts – the mouth and the asshole –
    and they are interchangeable.’

  39. Hi All,

    Latest Christmas carol for 2008, haha !!!

    You’d better watch out
    You’d better not cry
    You’d better keep cash
    I’m telling you why:
    Recession is coming to town.

    It’s hitting you once,
    It’s hitting you twice
    It doesn’t care if you’ve been careful and wise
    Recession is coming to town

    It’s worthless if you’ve got shares
    It’s worthless if you’ve got bonds
    It’s safe when you’ve got cash in hand
    So keep cash for goodness sake, HEY

    You’d better watch out
    You’d better not cry
    You’d better keep cash
    I’m telling you why:
    Recession is coming to town!

    Finance products are confusing
    Finance products are so vague
    The banks make you bear the cost of risk
    So keep out for goodness sake, OH

    You’d better watch out
    You’d better not cry
    You’d better keep cash
    I’m telling you why:
    Recession is coming to town.

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