Joke of the Day:
Ah Pek and Ah Ma were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second
and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then, you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across,
gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then, you used to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed covers, got out of bed and walk away.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth lah!"
This is a real one ..,
Happen during a family gathering,one of my nephew came with a love bit on his neck, it was very noticable, everyone goes “huh” one old uncle in his 70s, ask him how to do it (he wanted one on his wife) and we were all laughing away,
He wanted to know because everytime he tried, his false teeth gave way.
His wife heard him and chase him with a stick….
TGIF
Hahahha Rosalind,
At least he bothers to go get his dentures. Kakakakaa.
Hi Eileen,
Your old uncle needs better dentures unless his technique really sucks…………..kekekekeee.
Using teeth? These 2 ubcles come across as a little barbaric……they clearly dontt know what the tongue and vacuum cleaning with the lips can do, sigh.
Standing on the roof garden more than 120 metres above ground, I am experiencing howling wind, easily more than 70 kph. Thanks to 3 good fellow budddies who separateely emailed to caution me yesterday of parma’s visit from the Philippines, I was prepared. Never experienced gust of this ferocity and velocity…wish those who dont need to be in the seas will stay away.
To those 2 uncles, forgeet what your wives want. Keep yr teeth in yr mouth and zip it no matter how much yr wives plead, beg and whatever is their state of dress or undress……..
This is a really good joke… very funny….
Just to continue the jokes thread :
The early migrants to Singapore had to endure many hardships. Destitute and poor, they had to scrape together whatever little they had to migrate. More often than not, they had only enough for one member of the family, usually the husband to come.
One such case was Ah Seng. He had just married but unable to make a living in his village in China, had to leave his new wife, Ah Lian. But before he left, they made a pact to be faithful to one another.
Ah Seng landed in Singapore, worked as a coolie at Boat Quay. The job was hard carrying heavy sacks of rice and the hours were long. However, Ah Seng was hardworking and resourceful. In time he became a rich rice merchant. Now he could afford to bring his wife to to Singapore.
Ah Lian finally arrived. They spent much time catching up about the years they were apart. Then came an awkward moment. Ah Lian asked, “Ah Seng, remember the pact we made? Have you been faithful?”
Ah Seng, being an honest man replied, “I must confess. Ah Lian, I have been tempted many times. But always at the last moment I remembered our pact and got up.”
Ah Lian, touched by his sincerity said, “I must confess too. Many times I have been tempted but Ah Seng, getting up from underneath is much harder!”
Haha, Jeff-L, this migrant story has not ended and continues today but the diffeerence is, it’s Ah Lian who leaves Ah Seng behind, not before they make a pact too.
In the pact, it’s understood that Ah Lian will be underneath and she’ll not under account for the money earned. With the convenience of mobile today, she’ll let Ah Seng know daily how good or bad biz is. If biz is good, Ah Seng will round up ah ma, ah mui, ah cim and all the ah niahs from 18 to 81 in the village and send them over.
If biz is bad and ah Lian cant find the $ for a MAS ticket to fly home, then ah Seng will have to come over to say selamat to Mas and learn how to teach ah Lian to swim away undetected.
Two old man (non SHC member) decided to have a final flink of their life and set off to town. After a few drinks they ended up at a brothel.
The madam took a look at the two old geezers and whispered to her manager, “Go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll on each bed. These chaps are so old and so drunk, I’m not wasting my girls on them”.
The manager does as told and took the two old men upstairs.
As they were walking home, the first man said to the second man: “You know what, I think my girl was dead”.
His friend asked, “Why did you say that?”
First man replied,” Well, no matter how I make love to her, she never moved nor make any sound all.”
His friend replied,” Mine is worse, they gave me a witch.”
“A witch? Why would you said that?”
His friend explained,” You see, I make love to her, kissed her and bit her on the neck. Suddenly, she farted and flew out the window taking my teeth with her”.
Very funny, Roger……….:D
—– Original Message —–
This is good!! Have a good laugh and enjoy your week
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman =romance
Smart man + dumb woman= affair t Dumb man =+ smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATHS
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little..
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, BUT married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the LAST WORD in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me,
‘You’re next.’
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.
Hi Didn’t know how to copy properly so I left out the credits.
Credit for the jokes should go to Andrew Thio.
Those who don’t appreciate these jokes should blame the person who started this post
THE PERFECT COUPLE
Once upon a time, a perfect man & a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmans, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along, delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple, and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
Question : Who was the survivor? (Scroll down to see answer)
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Answer:- The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus & there is no such thing as a perfect man!
• Women, please stop reading here as that is the end of the story for you.
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• Men, please scroll down to continue ….
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So, if there is no perfect man, and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident ;-)
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• Men, scroll down to continue…
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By the way, if you’re a woman & you’re still reading, this illustrates another point : Women never listen!
TGIF, Hope everyone had a good laugh & Good weekend to all!
Remember:
Senior Citizens Are Valuable!
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations.
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and,
We are loaded with natural gas!
Today is the launch of Windows 7 but ever wondered how Microsoft got its name?
It all happened one night on a hot date. After a romantic dinner by candle light, whispering sweet nothings to each other, Bill and his date rushed back to the garage which is now famed for being the birthplace of the world’s preeminent operating system.
The moment the garage door closed, they were furiously at each other, smooching… shoes, shirts, jeans flying off … both in each other arms rolling on the mattress. The heat of passion was suddenly interrupted. Bill’s date sat up and appeared sullen.
A concerned Bill asked, “What wrong?”
She replied, “Oh Bill, you’re so micro…. and soft.”
Jeff-L, you want to die huh, telling the whole world a dark sad secret even he himself wont tell his mother?
You may be half time in bangkok but definitely it’s enough time for him to find and bend bang whatever kok you go by and micro you to a softie. But thanks to Hou Chong, his KK Marmalade is a natural antitide to micro soft and it can repair the damage and make you a King Kong Monyet
With the launch of Windows 7, I thought it would be appropriate to enlighten you with the latest stock market lingo. No offence to those ssociated with the new lingo.
CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer.
Bull Market – A random market movement causing a market participant to feel he/she is a genius.
Bear Market – A 3 to 12 month period (more or less) where the kids get little allowance, wife gets no jewelry and the poor husband, no sex.
Value investing – the art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio – Fundamental statistics of the percentage of investors wetting their pants when the market keeps crashing.
Cash flow – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Institutional investor – Last year’s investor who’s locked up in a nuthouse.
Stock analyst – The idiot who just downgraded your stock.
Market correction – The day after you buy that stock.
Stock split – When your spouse and your lawyer split your assets equally among themselves.
Yahoo – The sound you make when your IPO share jumps 100% on first day of trading.
Windows – What you jumped out of when you are the sucker who bought Creative at $65.00 or Cosco at $8.00.
Profit – An archaic word no longer in use.
Standard & Poor – An investor’s life in a nutshell.
Enjoy your weekend and please be back to the market on Monday.
Roger
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw
Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to
him, and asks for his autograph.
I nstead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says “You Chinese people bombed
our Pearl Harbor, get out of here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied “It was not the Chinese who bombed your
Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
I n return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says “You sank the
Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”
This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in
Britain
Share by email from Jennifer Lim!
Dan
One for the road.
Hope we are matured enough for some Sex Education by Phua Chu Kang.
Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng’s son, Aloysius:
Aloy : Uncle Chu Kang, why is making love so enjoyable?
PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjolable becaws, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !
Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ?
PCK : Of course woman lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right ?
Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ?
PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, den someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not ? Ehhh ? Don’t pray pray ah !
Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses?
PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah ! Use your blain, use your blainnn ……….
Aloy : Why is it most men don’t like wearing condoms when they are making love ?
PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Corleck or not?
Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ?
PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your blain, use your blain ………………………. you go and dig your nose in flont of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
Aloy : Wah …… Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : Aiyah …… ,’ Best in Singapore, JB, some say Batam
also ah!!!
Have a nice weekend. Cheers.
Hey Roger,
Very, very funny………..kekekekekkekee. Can’t stop laughing. What a great analogy! Will forever remember this when picking the nose. Kakakakaa. Also love the singlish and poor english – so adorable!
You have a nice weekend, too!
Some jokes for Senior Citizens.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor’s permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
To keep this thread alive, here’s another one :
A couple were in a park, in deep embrace, oblivious to their surroundings. In their furious passion, they rolled over onto the nearby MRT track. They continued on and on, oblivious to the oncoming train. The driver spotted them, sounded the horn again and again but they seemed not to hear or care.
At the last moment the driver slammed on the emergency brakes and with screeching metal, flying sparks and passengers tumbling all over themselves, the train came to a stop, inches from the couple.
The angry driver yelled at them, “Look, if you two have a suicide pact, go jump off from a 20- storey building”.
The man got up, nonplussed but a bit embarrassed and said, “ It’s not what it seems. It’s like this….. I was coming…..she was coming…..the train was coming ……..and from what I know only the train has brakes!”
To the lawyers in SHC, retired or otherwise :
When grandma goes to court…..
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’ She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, ‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’
Jeff-L, in truth, it was irreverent to the judge for the prosecutor to pose the irrelevent question “Do you know me?” unless he was one of the witnesses or the victim/accused person in which case, he wd not have been there prosecuting.
Well, well, perhaps if you had addressed the joke to everyone else with their facial muscles still alive, they will be too busy laughing and not pointing out what the court-room practice is………..
Come come, give the lawyers a better joke befiiting them such as why call the judge “my lord” when little abt them is to laud over?