Are you being appreciated?

Caregiving can be such a rewarding experience, looking after your family is your duty, but that aspect is somethings hard and tedious to focus on when you feel your efforts aren’t being recognized.

Do you feel fully appreciated by the person or persons you care for? Do your siblings and other family members appreciate all you’re doing? If so, what do they do to show your appreciation? If not, what do you wish they’d do?"

Share your thoughts and experiences……………………

33 thoughts on “Are you being appreciated?”

  1. Dear Nancy,

    Looking after my adopted Dad who is suffering from dementia is not that rewarding experience especially I had to handle it singly.
    I did it as a duty and love for him since it’s also our Chinese culture to look after our aged parents.

    It’s only recently that I’ve to come to term with his behaviour by attending to talks on dealing with dementia.

    At first I got very frustrated with him when he was unreasonable. My late mother made matter worse by nagging at us most of the time. Thus, my blood pressure rose up.

    My dad’s 85 now and sits the whole day watching TV and sleeps most of the time. Last yr, he’s able to read the newspaper but now he just pretends to read.

    I feel sad for him when I see him deteriorating each month.
    Luckily I’ve a maid to look after him. Whether he appreciates me or not, I don’t bother because he’s my good father who brought me up.

    He can’t express himself now and his smiles tells us all.

  2. Dear Catherine,

    Some friends of mine have mentioned that they feel ‘ Life is passing me by ‘. I can understand those feelings & feel a great deal of sympathy toward them, my own view however is that my life has taken a different direction for a few years & at some stage in the future it will take another direction.

    As for your case, I feel proud of you looking after you adopted Dad, you have done your part as a “Daughter”, that will set a very good example to your children, a filial daughter like you, I am sure they do feel proud of you.

    Well, caring for the old is challenging especially when they are suffering from dementia, both parties feel frustrated when things don’t go to the way both wants.

    I hope you feel proud of yourself, too, let’s look at the bright side, Catherine and take care. :D

  3. Dear Nancy,

    Thanks for the encouragement and assurance. I must say that it takes a lot of patience to deal with him at times.

    Sometimes I’ve to treat him like a child. Either coaxing him to wear his dentures or being strict to him. We’d to cut all his food and prepare it like a child’s food.

    I never expect to take care of my aged parents when I was younger. I thought that all I need is to give a percentage of salary to them.
    Not only did my adopted brother not take care of them but he squandered all their savings!
    He’s also their adopted son.
    Not appreciated by siblings but make life more difficult for me for the past few years.

    Thank God, I didn’t end up in a mental hospital!
    Thus, the moral of the story is not “Spare the rod & spoil the child when he’s young. They loved boys since he takes after their surname!

    In btw, what makes you come out with this topic? Are you a care-giver of somebody too?

  4. Nancy I take my hat off to you to post this topic.

    Caregiving is a real ‘rewarding’ experience. Many a times the caregiver has to face insurmountable obstacles, like how
    to cope with the monotony of everyday routine and not being appreciated. Dementia patients behavourial pattern is also unpredictable. The anxiety and helplessness the caregiver encountered.

    Caregivers, many suffered the indignity of stress and frustration especially doing it all alone. With siblings
    joining force and help will ease the predicament.

    Caregivers Support Group is another way of unloading your emotional burden with all the inward-sufferings. Caregivers
    Group meet to discuss and share experience on the difficulties faced in such situations. The ability to speak one’s mind openly helps to de-stress and break down the social stigma of ‘why it has to be me’.

    Life destiny and happenings befall each and everyone of us in different ways. It is the perspective of positive thoughts after the occurrence that prepare us to face the difficulties ahead. Going for Dementia care courses in various Support organisation can prepare one with a better
    understanding to give the care.

    Personally, I attended a course under SAGE on Dementia care
    just to equip myself with the knowledge for any eventuality.
    Also, finish a course at the Dover Hospice on pallative care
    of terminally ill patients.

    Thank God, my mother at 93 yeas old is very sharp with her mind though her legs are weak now. We employ a maid to look after her at my younger sister’s home. We have together 9 siblings. We try to help each other.

    CatherineH, you are great to look after your adopted father. In this modern world of small family and decaying social norm, children may be more educated but less filial.
    Some of them, very able, may not even care for their own parents. You do well with all the good karma of life.

    All of us must plan well ahead to live a dignified life even without our children’s support. We should have built our egg-nest to see us to our twilight years with good health and gracious living.

    Our children have their five C’s to work on into life. The pressure of the modern world. High value of life, low quality of living.

    LeePatrick

  5. Dear Nancy,

    I took care of my late husband and my late mum when they were ill.

    The love for our dear ones are unconditional. We take care of them because thats what we want to do and not because we were coerced or forced to do it. We should not expect any form of repayment, but if our effort is appreciated, it is even more fulfilling.

    I know that my hubby and mum are truly appreciative of the things I have done for them. Through the look in their eyes, the touch and their words of thanks and I love you, mentioned over and over again. But I always assure them that this is the least I could do for the love and care they gave to me when they were able to.

    My siblings have always wanted my mum to go and live with them but she is used to my home so they come to visit often. They buy me health food and tonics. Little acts of kindness from them are actually their way of saying “thanks very much for taking care of mum”.

    Now that I am on my “own” cos my girls do their own things, my sisters will always invite me to their family outings or holidays and sometimes pay for my trips. When I am ill, they will, for the days I am on medical leave, travel from woodlands to siglap to visit me with tonics etc.

    This is a show of appreciation too.

    But even if the above did not happen, I will still feel happy that I have done what should be done, taking care of my love ones.

    Thanks for giving me a chance to get this off my chest :)

    Dear Catherine,

    Yes, you are doing a fine job. And thank goodness you did not end up in a mental hospital otherwise I would not have a sane room mate for Batam :)

    Warmest Regards
    Caroline Gee

  6. None in SHC wears a hat regularly but Patrick-L, you do and for a good reason. You sometimes take off yr shoes, yr trousers when you bathe but never yr hat so to take off yr hat for Nancy-T says a lot.

    One shd think and think thru deeply before deciding to go ahead to do a thing. If a task is started by you, it is cruel to one day lose the commitment and ends it. The person being cared for by you never had the expectancy but you give it to him, give him hope and another day to look forward to. Then, after having it, getting used to it and to use it he suddenly loses it and finds himself plunged in worse, dire straits than before.

    So care-giving has to be a commitment and a devotion. The feel-good within the giver is priceless but if he expects to be appreciated then perhaps he shd look elsewhere and do smthg else such as scaling the suntec city walls to do charity illuminated by spotlight.

    Patrick-L, yr mom is 93 and still with a sharp mind, like you said. So, she shd qualify as and do pls sign her up as a SHCian. Then, at our next gathering, you come with yr hat on and she wears a hat to come too. And then you can tease us with a riddle, to guess who hides a rabbit under 1 of the 2 hats? I promise to catch the rabbit if it runs off.

    Hehe……………

  8. Patrick-L, you have a lot to say and you can say them nicely if you want to so dont have to shy away….I like to see you and the many fat rats you also keep under yr hat.

    I dont think she will let you share 1/3 of me, nvm straight as an arrow you are. But then, she might let you have that 1/20 of me she doesnt need such as my armpit hair wet with perspiration, my toes with long nails to cut and keep as souvenir, and, rare as it is nowadays, my 4-letter words which can inspire you to predict 4-D correctly. Ai mai?

  9. # 3
    Dear Catherine,

    “Thus, the moral of the story is not “Spare the rod & spoil the child when he’s young. They loved boys since he takes after their surname.”

    I believe many older Chinese generation do practice the above culture, they prefer boys over girls, it is due to reasons like working and making a living in the 1940’s China envolved intense physical labor. Very little machinery existed and all work was done by hand. China at the time was an agrarian society relying on farming to survive. Men were needed to produce food and crops from the fields whereas women were needed to produce workers, keep the home and raise the young.Therefore, those males are spoiled males.

    As for your case, you have done the right thing, i,e. to take care of your aged parents, you have good Karma and I believe your parents know about it in his heart and you will be blessed.

    As for your question to why I post this topic. I understand that Singapore is an aging country, some how rather there are still filial daughters & sons out there do spend time & look after their old folks when they needed care & concern and you are one of the good daughters.

    Further more, by sharing this topic, we will become more knowledgeble and more prepared when its our turn to do our duty to take care of the olds.And for those who have done wrong to their parents, do think about it…………….

    I hope I have answered your question, Catherine.

    Do be strong, think positively and most importantly, take good care of yourself, too. :D

  10. #4

    Dear Lee Pactrick,

    Very well said Patrick, I learn some tips from you,too to where to look for help when my turn to look after my aged parents, thank you so much for your sharing.

    Send my best regards to your mum.

  11. #5

    Hi Caroline,

    “The love for our dear ones are unconditional. We take care of them because thats what we want to do and not because we were coerced or forced to do it. We should not expect any form of repayment, but if our effort is appreciated, it is even more fulfilling.”

    Yes, I agree with you that the love for our loved ones are unconditional but most importantly we must feel appreciated, as in your case, you have a caring and loving family especially your siblings, you have good bonding with them, happy for you, you take care, too.

    Thank you for sharing.

  12. When my aged parents fall ill 3 years ago, when doctor advised us to send them for surgeries, we did not want to as my parents are old, they are in their late 70s, we discussed among our siblings and we came up with a plan where my parents have to follow with a diet plan, i.e. food therapy planned by my pharmacist sister who is residing in Germany.

    It was very hard as all of us are working, all our 14 siblings are residing all over the world, and I could not help very much as I was going through some serious set backs, we are very lucky to have our youngest brother who winded up his Cyber Cafe business in JB and came home to look after my parents since 3 years ago till today, they don’t have to go through any surgery till now and I am proud to say that both my parents are very healthy, happy and strong, they could travel to visit their children all over the world.

    We are very appreciative towards our youngest brother.:D
    Without him, we will be in the lost.

  14. #9
    Dear Nancy,

    Thank you for having this post for us to express our inner level and inviting others to share and support when life situations seemed difficult or hopeless.

    I thought that you were writing something for the magazine or some write out.
    I’ve heard that 10/10 was International Awareness for Care-giver and Pallative care day. Correct me if I’m wrong.

    Appreciated your kind words and understanding. Not everybody
    will u/stand what a care-giver has to go through until one experienced it esp after a hard day’s work, another unexpected stressful situation at home.

    Take for eg these 2 days:- New maid who came on Sat broke my favourite pot last nite; came back this evening; she broke the handle of the stove and the sink got choke!

    Luckily, I kept my cool. If it’s 10 yrs back, I’d have blown my top!

  15. #5
    Dear Caroline,

    I really envy U & Nancy with so many siblings to support U physically & spiritually, rite?

    Alrite! U’ll have a sane room-mate for sure! That’s why I’m looking 4ward to this trip to destress!
    I need fresh ideas along with possible changes in attitude and emotional responses.
    That’s why I chose U!
    Cheers!

  16. Dear Nancy

    Thanks for your kind words. Glad that you have a brother who is willing to give up so much to care for your aged parents.

    You take care too.

    Dear Catherine

    Thanks for looking me so up hahaha! Yup we have to take time out to smell the roses and xiao :) and seow as in have fun.

    Warmest Regards
    Caroline Gee

  17. Dear Catherine & Caroline,

    Understand that both of you will be going for a short trip, do enjoy yourself.

    I thank both of you for sharing on this trait, hope more SHC friends will come forward and share their experiences and thoughts, we may learn from one another.

    Keep cool Catherine.
    Cheers!

  18. Hi Nancy,

    You have started a good thread for caregivers to share.

    I do not know about being appreciated; rather, it does not come to mind when I have to take care of a dear one.

    When my late father was sick with cancer back in 2007, I went back many, many times to be with him, at times staying up to one month. My other siblings also took care of him.

    I must say it was tough at times when he was unreasonable as he was very frustrated (with mild dementia as well). He would fluctuate from happy, angry (when confused), depressed (when he was alert). All in all, I am very, very glad that I spent those precious moments with him in his final days. I still miss him………

    You know what? It was during that period of time that he came to realize that his four children (first marriage) truly loved him and were there for him.

  20. Dear Geraldine (HongKong),

    Thank you so much for sharing, yes, indeed that when you have done your duty as a daughter/son, you feel proud of yourself and the person you care for really appreciates what you have done for him or her, though it may not show on his/her face, the caregiver is able to feel that, too and I am sure you feel good.

    My colleague has shared with me that she feels quilty and regretted when her mum passed away, it was because she did not spend much time with her mum claiming that she has lots of stuff to do when she was younger and when her mum was ill, she has left the duty as a caregiver to her domestic helper, now that her mum is gone,its too late……….

  23. It certainly had not been easy for me raising my 3 daughters almost singlehandedly, for the most part of their growing up years, while holding down very stressful and demanding jobs. They were the reasons why I kept soldiering on despite many tough times. Now they have all grown up nicely, and in their own ways, are very appreciative of whatever i have done/still doing for them. I count my blessings everyday that everyone is healthy and happy and feel blessed that they are always there for me, especially whenever others let me down.

  24. Dear Marilyn,

    You are a brave and great mum! Bringing up 3 daughters singlehandedly is certainly a great task for you especially when you have to juggle with your work and family, its real tough and I understand how you feel.

    We are in the same boat, when my colleagues and friends ask me how I brought up my 5 daughters singlehandedly when they were school going age for the past 14 years, I told them that it is the unconditional love that mothers have for their children, and I believe that it is a mother’s responsibility to bring up our kids nor matter what had happened, we brought them to this world, we have to take care of them. Now that all of them have completed their university education except one who is studying in UK for her 3 years course, I am glad that they have grown up nicely, filial, healthy, happy and supporting one and other.

    Marilyn, let us encourage each other, be strong, have faith in ourselves, take good care of our own health, be happy and enjoy what we have ……………

    Cheers to all women who are in the same boat like us!!

  25. Hi Nancy,

    I am sure there are lots of women in our midst who have survived similar life experiences and emerged as “stronger” women. We may give people the impression we are independent and very tough, able to handle every stress that comes along, expected to continually take care of the family, etc, but the truth is that deep inside us, we are as emotionally vulnerable as the next person who needs to be loved and appreciated.

    Yet, sometimes all the love and sacrifices we have made for the children, while reflecting on our capability to be loving and caring, should not be taken for granted by others. It will certainly be a nice change to be on the receiving end, especially at this stage in our lives.

    I am looking forward to making your acquaintance.

  27. Hi Marilyn,

    Kudos to you,too.

    Nice to get to know you,too, we may go out for a cup of coffee one day, know each other better, encourage each other and of course give each other a pat on our back.

    Here is the lyrics from one of the songs but do not know the title of the song, hope you like it:-

    Someone to care, someone to share,lonely hours and and moments of despair,to be loved, to be loved,oh!what’s a feeling to be loved. some wish to be a king or a queen,some wish for fortune and fame,but to be truly, truly, truly loved,is more than all of these things, hope one day we would be truly loved, hahahahaha……………..

  28. Hi Nancy,

    Care to share what your idea of being “truly loved” is? Would prefer to catch up with you via private email. You can reach me at “marilynhtang@yahoo.com.sg”

  29. Hi Nancy,

    Salute to you for bringing up 5 daughters by yourself. You are an amazing woman.

    My two girls grew up with me, visiting their dad from time to time. The girls turn out to be kind, happy, helpful and compassionate young lady and teenager.

    The way I see it is the girls grew up in a loving, single-family environment; the girls are well loved by both their parents and although their parents are no longer together, they accepted the fact.

    Yes, our unconditional love for our children is inbuilt; it just is. We just want them to grow up strong, happy, healthy, able to deal with problems and take care of themselves. We can’t be here forever to hold their hands.

    Do my 2 girls appreciate me? The answer is Yes. From the cards (booklet, in fact) they wrote on Mother’s Day, my birthday – the gifts they gave me are so thoughtful and well thoughtout simply makes me teary.

    Last Nov, the girls moved back to live with their dad and stepmum. So far, so good. As I live just down the street from them, it’s easy for the girls to visit and for me to pick them up.

    They are happy living with their dad but they still care about me especially my baby princess who would call me to tell me she misses me. So sweet……..

    Yes, we women are strong and tough when it comes to our children – being maternal drives us to do the right thing for our children to make sure they are well taken off, loved, able to share things with us and vice versa simply because of our unconditional love for them.

    I am so glad and proud that I have 2 beautiful princesses.

  30. Hi Geraldine,

    Thank you so much for sharing, you are indeed a wonderful woman, too, and you have done a good job and I am proud of you.

    Now that your girls have moved back to their dad, I am sure they will have you in their mind and am sure they appreciate what you have done for them.

    Looking after kids is never easy, but we wouldn’t be without our kids. No matter how hard it gets, a smile, a little note, a kiss and a cuddle from them makes it all worthwhile. Only another single parent can really understand the highs and lows of our lives. And we have make it!

    We have done our duty as a mum,as a single parent it is even more essential to have a good group of friends and confidants that you can rely on both practically and emotionally.

    Nice to meet you here and thanks for sharing once again, do take good care of yourself and enjoy what you have.

    Cheers!

  31. Hi Nancy

    It’s a long time since. I have been reading your comments and I think though our first, hopefully not the last, meeting lasted the few short hours, you might know what my sentiments are.

    All you good ladies, remember to treat yourselves kindly and well. You deserve the Best!

    Still I feel, with less expectations, there will be less disappointments.

    With Metta

  32. Hi Daisy,

    Oh really, thanks for reading my comments all these while, hopefully it benefits our well beings.

    Its so nice to hear from you, how have you been? Hope you are doing fine and enjoying the SHC events, still have to thank the SHC Founder Mr Terence for giving us this platform to know more friends.

    I like the sentence you mentioned in your comment: “Still I feel, with less expectations, there will be less disappointments.” Well, disappointment in life is directly related to your expectations. When you want something and you expect to have it, achieve it or experience it and when it doesn’t become a reality, you feel let down, upset and/or disappointed. Why do people set themselves up for disappointment by creating mental expectations for some result that may be in the control of others e.g. parents, a spouse, a company, a boss or a friend?

    It is often very natural and/or normal to want something you don’t have. To desire to achieve something you have yet to accomplish. To accomplish some task or enjoy some special status, recognition or power.

    It is not natural, however, to get everything you want in life. You can have almost anything you want – if you are willing to pay the necessary price (both short and long term) for it. But you can’t have everything you want! It’s just not that kind of world.

    Disappointment is a part of life.Well, we have to balance our optimism with our pessimism as we look at our expectations.We need to accept the simple fact that we won’t get everything we want and learn to enjoy what we have and feel gratitude for having it.

    As for myself, I don’t expect much from my children, and I will not be their burden when I am old,I am independent to do lots of things by my own all these years e.g. I was a computer dianosaur and very retarded with IT stuff when I have to do assignments using computers, when my children were too busy with their own work and studies,I told myself, “Do not expect them to help you, do it yourself.”So, I set a goal to myself, go and explore it and now I am quite fluent with it.

    And when I had to have a huge career switch from a business woman to a teacher, it was tough but I have became one since 14 yrs and now I am a receipient of an Outstanding Teacher Award.I don’t expect too much from myself but I set a goal and if I told myself, if I fail this time, i will try again, if you have this mindset in you, you will not feel too hurtful and disappointed.

    Hope to meet you again,Daisy.

    Take care and enjoy life while you can! Cheers!

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