Category: Stories, jokes, quotes

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Stories, Jokes & Quotes

Hi All:

Just sharing some funny jokes to lighten your day as well as mine since I am down with flu,

for your reading pleasure:

Teacher : History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what  
had happened in the past.                                                  
Student : Please teacher, I don’t think I want to study history.          
Teacher : Why?                                                            
Student : There is no future in it.                                        
……….. ………. ……… ……… ……… ……… ……… .
                                                                           
                                                                           
Teacher : Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much    
would your father still have?                                              
Ted : $10.                                                                
Teacher : You don’t know maths.                                            
Ted : You don’t know my father!                                            
………… ……… ………. ……… ……… …….. ……….  
……..                                                                  
                                                                           
Mother : David, come here.                                                
David : Yes, mum?                                                          
Mother : You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.        
David : But I will only get my report book tomorrow.                      
Mother : I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am        
scolding you now.                                                          
………… ……… ……… ………. …….. ……… ……….  
……..                                                                  
                                                                           
Father : Why did you fail your mathematics test?                          
Son : On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8                                        
Father : So?                                                              
Son : On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she  
can’t make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?                    
………… . ……… ……… …….. ……… ……… ……….  
………                                                                  
                                                                           
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were      
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of        
breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her
father.                                                                    
                                                                           
Daughter : It’s mummy!                                                    
Father : How do you know?                                                  
Daughter : She didn’t say anything.                                        
………… ……….. ……… ……… ……… …….. ………  
……..                                                                  
                                                                           
Girl: Do you love me?                                                      
Boy: Yes Dear                                                              
Girl: Would you die for me?                                                
Boy: No, mine is undying love                                              
                                                                           
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —                    
                                                                           
Man: How old is your father?                                              
Boy: As old as me                                                          
Man: How can that be?                                                      
Boy: He became a father only when I was born                              
                                                                           
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —                    
                                                                           
Waiter: I’ve stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog’s leg.                  
Customer: Don’t tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.              
                                                                           
———— ——— ——— ——— —                            
                                                                           
Teacher : Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your  
brother’s. Did u copy his?                                                
Simon : No, teacher, it’s the same dog!                                    
                                                                           
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —                    
                                                                           
Father : Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!  
Son : That’s why I say she’s no good!                                      
                                                                           
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —                    
                                                                           
Teacher: "Where were u born?"                                              
Student: " Singapore , Sir."                                              
Teacher: "Which part?"                                                    
Student: "All of me, Sir."                                                
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —-                  
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between ‘unlawful’
and ‘illegal’?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan" said the        
teacher. "’unlawful’ is when u do something the law doesn’t allow and      
‘illegal’ is a sick eagle."                                                
                                                                           
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —                  
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"                            
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."                                                    
Teacher: "Use your dad’s then."                                            
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."                                                    
                                                                           
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— —-                  
                                                                           
A boy came home from school with his exam results.                        
"What did u get?" asked his father.                                        
"My marks are under water," said the boy.                                  
"What do u mean ‘under water’?"                                            
"They are all below ‘C’ (sea) level"                                       
                                                                           
 Have a nice day everyone                                                                      
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           

Love Mom Joke

Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his
mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful Ben’s roommate was. She had long
been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only
made her more curious.


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to
wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading
his mom’s thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
"You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"

Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be
sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a
gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Allison, and I’m not
saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she
was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

 

Love, Mom"

sound familiar?

Read this somewhere

 

First I was dying to finish  my high school and start college

And then I was dying to finish college and start working

Then I was dying to marry and have children. And then I was

dying to have children to grow old eneough So I could

go back to work.But then I was dying to retire. And now I m Dying .

Suddening I realised I forgot to LIVE

 

Please dont let this happen to you. Apreciate your current situation and enjoy each day.

 

TO MAKE MONEY WE LOSE OUR HEALTH AND THEN TO RESORE OUR HEALTH WE LOSE MONEY.

WE LIVE AS IF WE ARE NEVER GOING TO DIE AND WE DIE AS IF WE NEVER LIVED.

 

COPIED FROM ANOTHER EMAIL

VALENTINE DAY ORIGIN

Here’s something for some debate if anyone really knows how, when and where Valentine Day originated !!

If You Observe Valentine’s Day, You Are Observing An Ancient Indian Practice

In spite of what you have been told by everyone, the truth is that Valentine’s Day originated hundreds of years ago in India, and to top it all, in the state of Gujarat !!!

It is a well known fact that Gujarati men, specially the Patels, continually mistreated and disrespected their wives (Patelianis). One fine day, which happened to be the 14th day of February, one brave Patelani, having had enough "torture" by her husband, finally chose to rebel by beating him up with a Velan (rolling pin to make chapattis).

Yes….the same Velan which she used daily, to make chapattis for him…. only this time, instead of the dough, it was the husband who was flattened.

This was a momentous occasion for all Gujarati women and the revolt soon spread, like wild fire, with thousands of housewives beating up their husbands with the Velan. There was an outburst of moaning "chapatti-ed" husbands all over Anand and Amdavad.

The Patel men-folk quickly learnt their lesson and started to behave more respectfully with their Patelanis.

Thereafter, on 14th February every year, the womenfolk of Gujaratwould beat up their husbands to commemorate that eventful day – the wives having the satisfaction of beating up their husbands with the Velan and the men having the supreme joy of submitting to the will of the women they loved.

Soon the Gujju men realized that in order to avoid this ordeal they need to present gifts to their wives….they brought flowers and sweets. This is how the tradition – Velan time – began.

As Gujarat fell under the influence of Western culture, the ritual soon spread to Britainand many other Western countries, specifically,the catch words ‘Velan time’ !!! In course of time,  this got anglicized to ‘Velantime’ and then to ‘Valentine’. And thereafter, 14th of February came to be known as Valentine’s Day and now you know the true story of Valentine’s day.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND !!

That’s when she shot him…

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another job.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than 30 years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million. She explained that she had ‘charged’ him for sex and these were the results of her savings and investments.

The husband was so astounded he could? barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, ‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you’.

That’s when she shot him.

MEN just don’t know when to keep their damn mouth SHUT!!!>>> sometimesI

I couldn’t resist sharing this story. We are living in precarious time. In the midst of a recession what can one do to survive. What lessons can we learn here?

A prudent wife, and a faithful or a wayward husband? A tip on a saving investment with compound interest, is it beyond us?

The power of the tongue that can bless us or dangerously hurt us!

Realistic World!

We do appreciate anyone who have a joke to share, and we learn to laugh at ourselves sometimes at the cranky thing we do. I come across this and would like to share with you! Though life can be tough but a man or woman who have a sense of humour is hard to come by. So, let’s laugh and share our jokes and make this world a better world to live! 

 

 An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
 for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a 
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

 Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
 this to you? I want to know!" 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
 Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
 On the Cheek distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive 
suit, steps out of the car and enters the house.

 He sits in the living room with her father, the mother and the girl, and
 tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. 
However, I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but
 I’ll take charge."

 "If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a 
beach villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

 If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
 $5,000,000 bank account.

 If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each. 
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

 At this point, the girl father, who had remained silent, places a hand
 firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him; 
"Then you try again…!"  Cheers 

Jux for some fun sharing!


HAVE A GOOD LAUGH!

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a  woman’s period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about  5-7 days and if it doesn’t come means you are in big  trouble.

Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman’s underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down  and both disappear at night.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman’s hand in  marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.

Q: What’s common between men and video?
 A: Both go backward… forward… backward…  forward… backward….  forward… stop and eject.

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?A: A teabag.

7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S

Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you  having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In  the dark, a mosquito enters the girl’s skirt. Guess  where it would have bitten?
A: The boy’s hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take  a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked ‘Why’?
A:  The animals told him………..’Your tail  is in the front’.

Single or Married!!!

As I will be away to Africa on a biz mission 2 sell slippers to the Africians, here are some appetizers for your coming weekend njoyment ahead of the many events in the coming mths.

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable,

or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren’t you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,

there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished!

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father replied, "I don’t know, son, I’m still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say — talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn’t for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife’s an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You’re lucky. Mine’s still alive."

A Woman’s Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for
Strength, I’ll just beat him to death.

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick
of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would’ve put a rubber at the end of
YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus … so shut the hell up."

tGiF!!

We made thro another week of market turbulence and uncertainties!!
We will SURVIVE!! ….remember the Donna Summer song :-))
Have a good weekend folks!!!

I am currently reading…Angels Fall by Nora Roberts…a good read , peppered with witty dialogue, suspense, fantastic bedroll :-))…and I came across this joke, so thot I share it with you….

A game warden came across this woman in a boat, reading a book.
And asks her if she has a fishing license.
She says she’s not fishing, she’s reading a book.
Game warden says..”U got the equipment for fishing in there, so I m going to to hve to write u a citation”.
She says…”U do that, I’m going to hve to bring sexual molestation charges against you”.
“Well” the warden says with some outrage…”Lady, I never sexually molested you!”
And she says, “But u got the equipment for it”

That’s why it’s a moment … That’s why it’s special!

I just received a very meaningful article published by Steven Chia in his blog at Channel NewsAsia website; thought I like to share with you ….

START I’ve just come back from Melbourne having spent about 2 weeks there. It’s a trip we make about twice a year since my wife’s parents live there. So it’s nice to have family to go back to but I think this particular trip was special also because my in laws are quite a bit older. (My father in law is in his 90s!) It’s special because I think Lucy (my two and a half year old) was able to energize the house. She was a “noise maker”, but in a good way because I think she really gave them a new lease of life and of course, being grandparents, they doted on her – which she loved!

It’s also been an eye opener because you begin to see what it’s like for parents when all their children have left home and they are left on their own. My wife is from a family of 6 kids so you can just imagine the kind of “noise” that occurred on a daily basis. Then suddenly, it’s all gone, one day you realize the house is quiet and you’re back to where you were before the kids came. And it’s not like you prepared for it. You were so busy with raising the family and working that it creeps up on you and it just surprises you one day.

I got a small taste of that in the lead up to this trip because my wife and daughter had gone up 2 weeks ahead of me. So for 2 weeks, I was on my own. I left an empty house and I came back to an empty house and it really wasn’t the same. It felt like the house was far too big and pointless. Again a reminder that it’s not much point having all these material “luxury” goods if you don’t get to enjoy it with anyone.

And the great thing about kids is that they are not picky. They don’t judge people before they’ve met them. They don’t see age, race, gender…it’s all the same to them, so there is no discrimination. That’s why we speak about the innocence and purity of youth, unfortunately, it’s something that fades with time and we can’t “bring it back” no matter how hard we try to. Once you’ve been hurt, been let down, been disappointed by others, you can’t help but be more skeptical about the world.

It’s funny because it seems the more we learn, the worst life seems to get. From a very simplistic point of view, ignorance is bliss and life without all the complications of being an adult really is a lot more enjoyable. Think of a kid’s life…eat, sleep, play, eat, play, sleep…never a care in the world, how great is that!

So once again this time off has made me treasure my family more. I’m reminded of the importance of spending time with the people you care about. Too often we get caught up in the desire to achieve more, to earn more, to have better stuff…but do we really need it? Think of the happiest times you’ve had with your family or your loved ones…did that really cost you a lot of money? And imagine how great it would be if you could spend more time having those “moments” than spending lots of money later on trying to “recreate” those moments. A moment cannot be replaced or replicated. That’s why it’s a moment, that’s why it’s special.

The way I see it, I’m going to try and grab as many of those moments as I can…

END
 
"It’s the little things you do that can make a big difference. What are you attempting to accomplish? What little thing can you do today that will make you more effective? You are probably only one step away from greatness." – Bob Proctor 

tGiF!!! hve a roaring good weekend folks

There’s this Jaga Singh who was working for a multi-millionare as a
night guard. One day, while the millionaire was driving out to catch
an early morning flight to conclude a business deal, Jaga Singh ran
out from the guard house and stopped the millionaire’s car just right
in front of the gate.

He said ‘Sir..Sir.. are you going to board a plane?’ ‘Yes, why?’
asked the millionaire. ‘You had better cancel the trip. You see, last
night I dreamt about the plane going to crash.’

Curious over the early morning fright that Jaga Singh had given, the
multimillionaire decided to cancel his trip. ‘You better be damn right
for this is a million dollar deal.’

The following day, there were news reports that the plane which the
millionaire was supposed to take had indeed crash landed. ! ‘Thank God
I cancelled the trip,.’ the rich man said. Realising that what Jaga Singh
had said had come true, he called the Singh to see him.

When the guard was called that morning, the millionaire gave him his
salary and FIRED him.

Why?

A WIFE’S SECRET

TIME FOR A BREAK ……emoticon

A man and woman had been married for more than 40 years. They had shared everything.

They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that

the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her

husband never to open or ask her about IT.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the! box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

 He asked her about the contents. ‘When we were to be married,’ she said,  ‘my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with u, I should just keep quiet & crochet a doll.’

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only 2 precious dolls were in the box.

She had only been angry with him 2 times in all those years of living & loving. He almost burst with happiness.   ‘Honey,’ he said,  ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’

Must think of a way to save up my anger & spend my savings on my Hobby !!!emoticon

 

How to Be Happy

How to Be Happy

Nobody is happy all the time, but some people are definitely more fulfilled than others, and it doesn’t seem to have much to do with material goods or high achievement—things many people spend a lot of their time worrying about. So what do they have that you don’t?

1.                     Relax. Lighten up. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Try not to over analyze things. Stress can cause many mental, physical, and spiritual problems in your life. One of the major causes of stress is worrying about things that are out of your control. Learn to recognize these things and if you can truly do nothing about them, then just let them go. Take time to laugh at yourself and the situations you find yourself in. Laughter is a powerful, positive medicine and the calmer and more peaceful you can take things, the happier your life will be. It wouldn’t be life if some bad things don’t happen.
2.                     Smile You would be surprised how much of an immediate difference physically smiling has on your mood, if you smile and force a little laugh you will feel your mood lighten and you won’t have to force it next time.
3.                     Take the good with the bad. No one is happy all the time. Everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears. We cannot change the past, but we can enjoy today, and look to the future. If we are prepared to take ownership for the past and accept that everything that’s happened in our life, good and bad, has made us the person we are – the battle is half won.
4.                     Be thankful. A key component of happiness is acceptance – learning to be grateful for what you have. A lot of people know it but don’t keep it in their minds. Comparing your life with others’ is dangerous. Accept the gifts you have and know that no one is better than or less than anyone else’s. Keep a "gratitude journal". Every day, write down a few things that you are thankful for and then review what you have written in past entries. It’s a great way to remind yourself to be thankful for what you have and to boost your mood.
5.                     Be yourself. Much criticism is caused by people who are discontented with themselves, not with you. One way to get in touch with yourself is through journaling, diaries or (lately) blogs. Your goal may be to open up completely to yourself and learn to be your own best friend by being completely honest with yourself. What do you want out of life? What makes you truly happy? Who do you want to be?
6.                     Pursue goals that make you happy. Strive for long term goals rather than short term satisfaction. It’s very easy to gain short term satisfaction–a quick high, a fast relief from your current problems (such as drugs, alcohol, sex). But it is what it is, a "short term" satisfaction, and the effects die out very soon, leaving you with an empty feeling that is sometimes worse than before. Set long term goals, goals which take time, thought, and effort to achieve. This will make you continually work towards improving yourself bit by bit and will give you the satisfaction of bringing a permanent change in your life.
7.                     Focus on the Objective. If the thoughts you are thinking are not giving you that ‘good feeling’, then think about something else that will make you feel good in that moment. Observe your thoughts and ideas consistently throughout the day (diary/journal if possible). Sometimes this may not be as easy as you think if you are stuck in a "destructive" train of thought and your brain chemicals are getting fired up and forming "anxiety or anger" thoughts. Anxiety, fear and anger patterns can be interrupted by focusing on something else. This will dissipate the rush of chemicals that are making you feel bad. Immediately then go back to picturing scenes/remembering things/imagining, planning stuff that makes you feel good.
8.                     Develop healthy relationships.
o                                    Family. If you want a stronger relationship with your family, you’re going to need to be honest with them. Tell your family about your life and don’t insult them – it hurts them just as much as it hurts you to be insulted. If you are in an abusive family, you must find a way to stop the abuse and that may include separation.
o                                    Have a healthy relationship. If you’re dating, get involved with activities that reflect who you are, and get to know people who like the things you do. Get involved with someone who loves life and pursues happiness the way you do. If you’re in a relationship, strive to make that relationship healthy.
o                                    Choose your friends carefully. Nearly everyone needs someone who cares for them and treats them well. If you have friends who are treating you badly, or are not supportive of you and your goals to improve your life, then ditch them and find friends that do care about you. If you can’t find any friends like that in your current circumstances, then look elsewhere. If you’re feeling sad, there’s nothing like going out with your friends to make you feel better. Surround yourself with friends who are beneficial, encouraging, and helpful. We all need this continuing, nurturing encouragement to make solid desired progress in life.
9.                     Make someone else happy. When you’re feeling powerless to create happiness in your life, do something to make someone else–anyone–happy, and you’ll remember how easy it really can be. Isn’t it true the happiest people we know are typically the ones who for some foolish reason are always ready to give you the clothes off their back? And frequently it is true that the most discontented people are the ones who are selfish, demanding, and inconsiderate of others. The happiest days of our lives, when we really dig down deep, is when we see the smile on the face of a person who we care about. Even helping a stranger can remind you of how much you really have, because of how much you can give. Serve at a rescue mission and you will learn the meaning of "I cried because I had no shoes and then I met a man who had no feet."

Forum General – Funny Riddle

Hi All:Just want to share the below funny riddle to tickle your funny bones or just to lighten myself since I am sick today:

  • Special anti-funqal brush hair can effectively limit bacteria gorwth and reassure us to use.
  • Extra-long bristles allow for suitability for openings large and small.
  • Don’t use in additional way.

Some misspelted words as copied from original text.

Anyone can guess what sort of thing this is? It is meant for daily use.

Caution: Tim Liu#  No dirty jokes from you!

One & All:

Enjoy your day whereever you are

tGiF!!! hve a good weekend folks

This is pretty neat, takes less than a minute. 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.(more than once but less than 10) 2. Multiply this number by 2 3. Add 5 4. Multiply it by 50 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1758… If you haven’t, add 1757. 6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number. (ie How many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.) The next two numbers are YOUR AGE ! —— AMAZing!

Amusing, Male or female characteristics?

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because
once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an
effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can
also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male,
because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR
BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you
have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female,
because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female,
because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit
on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines
for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over
time, all the weight shifts to the bottom

Hammers: Male, because in
the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are
occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You
probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a
man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know
which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Wise Words

Here are some wise words I came across, would like to share, you may want to post some of the beautiful verses that you may have read some where.

Here it goes:-

Age is an issue of mind driven matter, If you don’t mind, it dosen’t matter.

The key to everything is patience. You get the chickens by hatching the eggs, not by smashing it.               

Life is journey, not a guided tour, never let fear of striking out to get in your way,when you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

Time is the coin of life, it’s the only coin you have, and only you can determine, how it will be spent, Be careful, lest you let others spend for you.

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness.

Yesterday is already a dream, and tomorrow is only a vision, but today, well lived, make every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

To handle yourself, use your head, To Handle others, use your heart.

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds you plant.

Chance to win Vietnam air ticket

Make a date to meet Patrick Khoo from 2.00pm onwards at  Asian Civilizations Museum(next to Victoria Memorial and near the statue of Sir Stamford Raffles…for deatailed map log on to www.acm.org.sg or drop me an email at insiders111@yahoo.com.sg and I will send you an email with map and full day programme).

Besides the free ticket to HCMC  Lucky Draw(just fill form…don’t have to be present)I will give you(not me actually) free Milo welcome drink  for all and balloons for your kids.My booth will have a lucky dip where you will have a chance to win a exquisite Vietnamese embroidery painting,Vietnamese hats,caps (not those made in France)and T-shirts.The ?th (number connected with my date of birth)SHC member who visits my booth if he does get a prize in the lucky dip will be guaranteed (fixed legally) to win a Vietnamese hat from me.

This exhibit is the same as Steven Chan’s post in June but the programme for the whole day which starts at 11.00am is different. I would suggest you come from 2.00pm onwards to see the martial arts experts from Vietnam and they will be followed by 5 hot ladies from an all girl pop fusion band.Admission is free instead of the usual S$8.There will also be perfomances from award winning modern dancers,story telling for kids,Games for young and silverhairs,free lessons on how to make water fairy puppets and paper lanterns.

There will be a special preview of  a Silverhair HCMC/Nha Trang(no swimming in seas due Monsoon season)/Cantho City Tour with itinerary based on recommendations and input from experienced Viet Trippers like Kenneth Tan,Dee Ang,Lena Wang,Jassmine Teo and last but not least the effervescent Steven Chan(maps were useful).This tour is based on  clean and comfortable budget accomodation and outstanding exotic food like Tamarind Crab,Elephant ear fish,Vietnamese seafood dinner,BBQ dinner,Giant rice balls,gourmet lunch by hotel resort chef ,outstanding French restaurant and visit to ice cream parlour.Other highlights include visit to Hot Spring Mineral bath and waterfalls,a light sleeper luxury train overnight from HCMC/Nha Trang/HCMCvisit to Pearl Farm  and a chance to see the Ghe Cho Festival in Cantho where you will see the incandescent paper lanterns powered by burning oil careen into the air(yes these lanterns actually fly as seen in an Andy Lau movie).This tour is from 08Nov to 16Nov based on minimum 15 to go.(if numbers are less than 15 the rates will be higher with no Singapore Tour Leader Escort).Final pricing and basic itinerary will be posted in the forum when prices are finalised.This special tour is not  a typical standard tour but has been specially designed to meet SHC tastes and can be tailored to suit SHC members needs and budget eg Pearl Farm tour can be chopped if 100km travel from Nha Trang is considered too long a journey.Number of days can also be shortened if budget turns out to be high.

The other programmes at this "Vietnam experience" include Vietnamese food  and mooncakes , an outdoor  pop fusion concert  and other entertainment from  8.00pm to 11.00pm.Of course you will a  2nd chance to see the interesting museum exhibits from Vietnam if you missed it the 1st time with Steven.

If you are a CITIBANK clear card holder you will get a $60 per couple discount for our Vietnam Spa promotion.

If you drop a deposit for any of our other tours for that day you will be entitled to a $30 discount(normally given to travel agents) from our standard tour prices.

Bring your kids along and have a  fun time and get a chance to win interesting prizes(Anybody wants to baby sit the Big Baby and keep me company are welcome…will buy you a drink…not Milo of course).Cheers!

Story of Husband and Wife, Not a joke

A story from Eleanor Chan, I put it on the post to let more members read it. Don’t want anyone miss it. May be you had read the story before (like me), let see will it touch you again (like me). The story:

————————————————————————————————————————————-

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything and talked about anything. They kept no secrets from each other except for a shoe box the little old woman placed on top of her closet. She cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about it.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box until one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and brought it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. ‘When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me if I ever were angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’

The little old man was so moved that he had to fight back his tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him twice in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’

Jokes: men and women

So many jokes nowadays, like to share some:

Wife: Honey….. What are You Looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing…?? U’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour?
Husband: I was just looking for the expiry date.

**************************************************
Q – What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife?
A – One Woman Brings U into this world crying… & the other ensures U continue to do so.

**************************************************
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.

**************************************************
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

**************************************************
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.

**************************************************
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.

**************************************************
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I’d have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

**************************************************
Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

**************************************************
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "Billionaire "

**************************************************
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

**************************************************
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor.

tGiF!!!! hve a very moooo weekend

tale of 2 cows….

TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images
called ‘Cowkimon’ and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided you can keep the milk, who rather go look for milk that
comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead. At the end your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Whenever prices of GST, ERP, PUB and kopi-si go up; one cow-peh and the other cow-bu!

tgif!!!….hve a happy weekend folks!!

3 men go into a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man paid $10 and went to the room.

A while later the man behind the desk realized that the room was only $25, so he sent the bellboy to the 3 guys’ room with $5.

On the way, the bellboy couldn’t figure out how to split the $5 evenly amongst the 3 men, so he gave each man $1 and kept the other $2 for himself.

This meant that the 3 men each paid $9 for the room, which is a total of $27, add the $2 that the bellboy kept = $29

What happen to the other $1 ???

:-)))