Hi All,
Sharing this colourful English humour from (Jennifer Wong), admist all the financial dark cloud.
To the Citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In
light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which
she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’
‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to
spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally,
you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will
be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the
elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be
independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse.
If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US 20 gallon. Get used to
it.——————-8. You will learn to make real chips. Those
things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real
chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is
also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting
nation on earth, and it can only be due to the beer. They are
also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to
take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).—————15. Daily Tea Time begins
promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with
high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with
cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen! Cheers
: 
Dear SHCians,
